Things on my mind this morning

I've been feeling anxious on and off since yesterday morning. I worry about things, about stuff I can control and stuff I can't. I have to review and practice again things I'd learned years ago: "let go and let God" and "take it easy" among a couple of them. When I was in the hospital, I asked for a book that I could write in. It was really helpful because I noticed I could get a lot of emotion out by pressing hard with the pencil if I needed to. I brought the book home and one of my goals today is to write in it again, especially when I feel anxious. I want to go for a walk, too, because that will release endorphins to help me feel better. I wanted to go to church but TB is feeling sick and I'm not feeling strong enough to go by myself. I mean, I don't think I can handle everyone asking, "How're you all doing?" and "How's your mom?" They don't know what happened.

One thing I "forgot" especially was to put it all in God's Hands. I'm scared to drive over bridges--I have severe panic attacks. So what I've been doing to get over is to say, "God, I can't do this. Please take the wheel for me." And He does and He holds the wheel and the car goes across the bridge. I was talking to Anthony (another patient) about these negative looping thoughts we get into that just keep spiralling around and around. He was reading a book by Norman Vincent Peale and he was trying to learn from it. I asked, what do you do then? And he said, he prays. Wow, I thought. Why didn't I remember that? Just as I'd prayed to God to help me over the bridge, I could have been praying to God to help me with this. Why did I forget that or not think to apply that to this situation?

I've also forgotten to work the steps. I am one of those who fell away from working on my recovery. I'm fine, I told myself. I can deal with it all. I'd been dealing with it very well--stress and life's issues, I mean. Then BAM! This happens. Why? Well, one reason is that obviously I'm not well. I'm not fully recovered. It's a lifelong process, not something that goes away just because the issues aren't in my face anymore. Before I embarked on any of this, I should have worked the steps. One thing I've been doing since I got out of the hospital is checking out the CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) online groups. I was aware of them before but I never took the time to really focus on them.

I'm going to read and re-read. My MIL gave me a gift that will really come in handy right now. It's called Where Do I Find It In the Bible and it's a resource guide grouping topics so I can find the verses I need quickly. I also found books from the two 12-step websites that I've already requested from our library. My priority needs to be focusing on recovery.

When I used to go to ACOA meetings, the twelve steps were exactly the same as the AA steps. When I checked out the two websites, however, I saw that the steps--at least the first one--had been adapted to fit specific needs of CoDA and ACOA. I'm not sure if I more fit one or the other or both but here's the twelve from ACOA and I'm going to start working on these:

1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory
of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and
became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve
our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

ACOA has a 12 step workbook. I'd like to get that when we have a little more money. I think it would help. Meanwhile, reading the books from the library and taking notes on them and going to online meetings will help me.

I made a list of things I want to do today and I wanted to keep it manageable so I just put a couple things down there. Many are easy to accomplish: read, nap, go for a walk. Right now, I've accomplished one of my goals of the day, too--blogging how I feel. No more secrets.