I've been absent for nearly a month, for many reasons. One has been a sort of "brain freeze" for writing. There's been a certain blahness and sameness to the day-in day-out stuff and the pains of financial struggles. I do want to get back into blogging more regularly though and thought to start out with an update.
Poor Cubby developed a horrendous infection in his tail. We're not sure how it happened but suspect that Munchkin may have scratched or bitten him. We didn't realize anything was wrong until the infection had progressed so far the vet thought Cubby might lose part of his tail! TB and I had him isolated in the office to keep him away from the rest of the gang. We were applying medication to his tail and giving him oral antibiotics. We had compresses on his tail to help the infection drain. We sat with him a lot to keep him company and so that he wouldn't knock off the compresses or worry his tail. Well, it all paid off because he's healed beautifully and didn't lose his expressive tail!
I was in a great deal of pain one day and ended up going to the emergency room with TB. It turns out I had a kidney infection. I had a cat scan of my kidneys and there might be an adenoma on the left side. I also seem to have a hiatal hernia which isn't really bothering me. Anyway, I'm seeing a kidney specialist about the adenoma later this month.
TB's in more pain than ever because he has this cracked tooth that has exposed the pulp. I persuaded him to go to the doctor for an antibiotic while he waited for a dental appointment. It's true he should have gone to the dentist when it first cracked but, he told me, it didn't hurt and we didn't have the money for the appointment. We don't have dental coverage. Now, though, it's become critical and so we called for the earliest appointment. It's today. Also today, TB's seeing the kidney specialist because he's got a lot of protein in his urine. It could be damage from the diabetes he'd had for so many years ... or maybe he's just taking in too much protein.
I was doing more chauffeuring than usual in the last 2 weeks due to broken down cars and what have you. No one can afford to get a car fixed, including TB and me. Luckily the car trouble Heidi had seemed to be related to a disconnected hose and was easily fixed.
I started working with my therapist on PTSD issues and my writing. I'm hoping this 12 week program helps. So far I'm not noticing a difference.
Here are the two memories that most interfere with my writing:
When I was a little kid--maybe 2nd grade--I wrote this story about a couple of kids, a talking black-eyed Susan and a magic flying carpet. Apparently my teacher submitted it to a local paper and they published it in their Sunday magazine. My teacher told me about it and I went home proudly and told my mom. She didn't believe me and got really angry with me, calling me a liar. No one would publish one of my stories in the paper! I felt confused and ashamed and scared. The next day, the teacher wanted to know what my family thought and I told her they didn't believe me. She gave me the magazine to show my mother. My mom apologized but it was sort of too late. I already doubted whether or not I could really write.
The other memory is from when I was about 12. I would hide my writings in my desk. I came home from school one day to find my mother holding my notebook in her hand, spitting fire and rage in her eyes. I'd been writing about a family with an "evil" stepmother and apparently my mom recognized herself. I didn't think I'd intended to write a story about my mother and actually remember very little about it except denying frantically that the stepmother was my mother. It didn't feel safe to write anymore and that's when most of the freeze started.
Sometimes I have strong bursts of inspiration and I have to write. I had one of these bursts ten years ago, when I wrote some fan fiction. Other times I've had some inspiration but it's but rare and far between. I know I can do it, though, because I took a creative writing class and, under the pressure of a deadline, I was able to produce.
The rest of the time, though, I'm just filled with doubts and self-recrimination.
Well, with this therapy, I'm supposed to read the memories over every day to lessen the impact. I also pick out different incidents, write down what happened, what I tell myself, and what I think as a result of all of it.
I thought about tracking my progress over the remaining weeks of therapy. I guess we'll see if I follow through with it!
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Thursday, October 6
Saturday, June 4
Memes
I just came from reading a friend's blog, Jen's Rambling Thoughts enthusiastic about memes again. I'd forgotten about them in the year I was going to school! Memes are fun and can sometimes spark ideas to write about.
Saturday Six
Name 6 things that you did more before you discovered social networking?
1. Read
2. Go out
3. Talk on the phone
4. Face time with friends
5. Play with pets
6. Work on puzzles
Saturday Nine
Best and Worst
1. What was the best thing that happened to you this week? TB and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. Son Bill treated us to dinner and then we went to the movies. It was so nice to go out!
The worst? TB's been having muscle spasms all over his body and last night, his leg gave out. It's scary and very worrisome!
2. What's the best thing someone's done for you (recently or not so recently)? My mom sent us a big fat check for our anniversary!
What's the worst thing someone's done to you (again, recently or not so recently)? Gosh, I try not to focus on negative stuff. Well, I guess the worst thing was being deprived of our grandson for six months a few years ago.
3. What's the best thing about your job? I'm not working right now but when I was an interpreter for the Deaf, I loved interacting with the clients and being in a new setting from day to day. I loved my independence.
Worst? The pain from overuse syndrome in my hands. I started interpreting in the early days, long before breaks and relief were required for interpreters signing for more than 30 minutes at a time. There were days I was signing six hours.
4. What's the best new website you've found? The Dark Shadows News Page. I am a big fan of the original gothic soap and its actors and actresses. I am thrilled that Tim Burton is filming a remake with Johnny Depp.
Worst? I guess I'd have to say my professors' webpages because all they have is work...classwork and homework!
5. What's the best book you've read? It's been out for a couple of years but I was waiting to read it until the last of the series was about to come out. It's called A Feast For Crows by George R.R. Martin.
Worst? I'm not sure. I give a book about 100 pages to "hook" me and if it doesn't, I set it aside and forget it.
6. What's the best movie you've seen? It's so hard to pick just one but I'll say Casablanca
Worst? Men At Work with Emilio Estevez. It came out in the early '90s, I think.
7. What's the best meal you've had? Prime rib, baked potato, sour cream & beans
Worst? Liver--I couldn't get past the first bite!
8. What's the best holiday? Christmas
Worst? I can't think of a worst holiday. Maybe Valentine's Day. It's about love, but what if you don't have a significant other? It's also about spending a lot on cards, candy and flowers
9. What's the best thing in your future? Hope
Worst? The economy!
The Saturday Six at Patrick's Place
1. Which doughnut shop do you prefer: Dunkin’ Donuts, Krispy Kreme, or a different store? I prefer Krispy Kreme slightly over Dunkin' Donuts. There's something about the taste that's different and Krispy Kreme is more appealing.
2. Do you prefer your doughnuts hot, room temperature or cool? Room temperature
3. Take the quiz: What Donut Are You?
4. How do you usually spell it: doughnut or donut? Donut
5. Do you prefer cake-style or glazed? Glazed
6. Do you prefer frosted, creme-filled or plain? Frosted
That first meme got me thinking about all the things I did before Facebook. I'm thinking I should devote less time to the computer and more to friends and family. So I called my mom on TTY to see how she's doing. She told me she was busy doing laundry (hint, hint, get off the phone). I asked if she'd rather I call another time and she said yes, because she also had to get ready to make her dinner. It was 9 a.m. at the time. But who knows? Maybe an 82 year old woman needs that extra time. So I went back to Facebook. ;) Later, though, I'm hoping off to read a book, ride my bike and spend some time with my kids! It's another beautiful day outside and I hope everyone else enjoys their weekend!
Name 6 things that you did more before you discovered social networking?
1. Read
2. Go out
3. Talk on the phone
4. Face time with friends
5. Play with pets
6. Work on puzzles
1. What was the best thing that happened to you this week? TB and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. Son Bill treated us to dinner and then we went to the movies. It was so nice to go out!
The worst? TB's been having muscle spasms all over his body and last night, his leg gave out. It's scary and very worrisome!
2. What's the best thing someone's done for you (recently or not so recently)? My mom sent us a big fat check for our anniversary!
What's the worst thing someone's done to you (again, recently or not so recently)? Gosh, I try not to focus on negative stuff. Well, I guess the worst thing was being deprived of our grandson for six months a few years ago.
3. What's the best thing about your job? I'm not working right now but when I was an interpreter for the Deaf, I loved interacting with the clients and being in a new setting from day to day. I loved my independence.
Worst? The pain from overuse syndrome in my hands. I started interpreting in the early days, long before breaks and relief were required for interpreters signing for more than 30 minutes at a time. There were days I was signing six hours.
4. What's the best new website you've found? The Dark Shadows News Page. I am a big fan of the original gothic soap and its actors and actresses. I am thrilled that Tim Burton is filming a remake with Johnny Depp.
Worst? I guess I'd have to say my professors' webpages because all they have is work...classwork and homework!
5. What's the best book you've read? It's been out for a couple of years but I was waiting to read it until the last of the series was about to come out. It's called A Feast For Crows by George R.R. Martin.
Worst? I'm not sure. I give a book about 100 pages to "hook" me and if it doesn't, I set it aside and forget it.
6. What's the best movie you've seen? It's so hard to pick just one but I'll say Casablanca
Worst? Men At Work with Emilio Estevez. It came out in the early '90s, I think.
7. What's the best meal you've had? Prime rib, baked potato, sour cream & beans
Worst? Liver--I couldn't get past the first bite!
8. What's the best holiday? Christmas
Worst? I can't think of a worst holiday. Maybe Valentine's Day. It's about love, but what if you don't have a significant other? It's also about spending a lot on cards, candy and flowers
9. What's the best thing in your future? Hope
Worst? The economy!
1. Which doughnut shop do you prefer: Dunkin’ Donuts, Krispy Kreme, or a different store? I prefer Krispy Kreme slightly over Dunkin' Donuts. There's something about the taste that's different and Krispy Kreme is more appealing.
2. Do you prefer your doughnuts hot, room temperature or cool? Room temperature
3. Take the quiz: What Donut Are You?
You Are a Boston Creme Donut |
 You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and you pout if it's sold out. |
4. How do you usually spell it: doughnut or donut? Donut
5. Do you prefer cake-style or glazed? Glazed
6. Do you prefer frosted, creme-filled or plain? Frosted
That first meme got me thinking about all the things I did before Facebook. I'm thinking I should devote less time to the computer and more to friends and family. So I called my mom on TTY to see how she's doing. She told me she was busy doing laundry (hint, hint, get off the phone). I asked if she'd rather I call another time and she said yes, because she also had to get ready to make her dinner. It was 9 a.m. at the time. But who knows? Maybe an 82 year old woman needs that extra time. So I went back to Facebook. ;) Later, though, I'm hoping off to read a book, ride my bike and spend some time with my kids! It's another beautiful day outside and I hope everyone else enjoys their weekend!
Tuesday, September 8
Cats on Tuesday: Frisky
CATS ON TUESDAY is a group of cat lovers who share pictures and/or stories about their cats once a week, hosted by Gattina.
Frisky was my father's cat. The first time I "met" her was on a surprise visit to my parents around Christmas--TB and I just decided to drive down to help mom with her computer. It was the first time we tried to talk to dad about his failing eyesight and driving. Anyway, my father brought me into the bedroom to introduce me to a lump under the bedspread. He was laughing and said Frisky was too shy to really come out and meet me.
After dad died and we all descended on the trailer, everyone encountered that same lump. Poor Frisky. At this point, she's twelve years old and she missed my father. My mom said she was very restless ever since it all happened, looking for dad and crying. Mom can't hear the crying, of course, but she can see the cat's mouth open frequently and so she knew.
I wanted to try and make friends with Frisky but Mom said it would be really hard to do that. Frisky only wanted Dad and clung to Mom now because at least she was used to my mother. Sure enough, I tried to pet the lump and heard a lot of hissing. I went away. The next time I tried, I also raised the blanket so I could see her. Now, not only did I get the hissing, it was followed by a lot of snarls and growls. I did see that she's a black cat, like Indigo.
After that, I just talked to her whenever I was in the room. I'd say to her, "Hi, Frisky, I'm Cassie. You don't know me yet and I know you miss your Daddy Bean very much. I just want to be friends with you. Soon you'll be moving to New Jersey to live at our house and that is going to be a big shock for you. Don't worry, you'll be okay. We all care about you." My mother would watch me talking to her with a very skeptical look.
Still, on the last day Kristin and I were there, I saw Frisky lying out on top of the bed. I stopped and looked at her for a few seconds and she looked at me. She didn't move so I spoke reassuringly to her and then I left her alone.
Poor thing. She's grieving the loss of my father and is already reclusive to begin with. Now she's leaving the only home she ever knew to move to a strange house with strange people...and even worse, a strange dog and strange cats. Luckily, she'll have her own big room to hide in. She's going to have major adjustments--just like my mom. Just like all of us.
Want more cat blogging?
Be sure to check out Gattina's blog. Today is also Tuxie Tuesday and then there's Blogging Cat Noos for all the latest!
Tuesday, August 25
My Dad Update
I wanted to thank everyone so much for your kind words to me, I really appreciate it. I am very relieved that Billy and Heidi both got time off to come for the memorial service. I would be so upset if they weren't able to go so it's a big load off my mind. The last couple of days I've been working on getting an interpreter for my mother and my aunt and I'm also very very relieved that one will be provided. Some relatives still needed to get contacted.
I contacted Gallaudet University because my father wanted (instead of flowers) donations to go there to help Deaf students. So I got that information so Pete could get it printed on envelopes to give out at the service. That part was easy. All people would have to do is send their donation to Gallaudet University, Dept. of Development, 800 Florida Avenue NE, Washington DC 20002 and in the memo line say "in memory of Peter Scanlon" and they'll know to put it toward helping Deaf students. :)
My brother's been carrying extremely busy helping my mom make arrangements and staying with her until we can get back down to Maryland. Kristin has one more test (an ultrasound) and then off we go. My brother's really been running himself ragged these past few years. It hasn't been easy.
My dad didn't want a viewing. Truthfully, viewings are kind of gruesome. Rich didn't want one either but I did it anyway for the sake of the family. But I am glad Pete's following through with what my dad wanted. So my dad wanted to be an organ donor and then donate his body to science. So his body won't be at the memorial--it's just an empty shell now anyway. The spirit and soul that was my father is gone.
The pastor will speak and then friends and family can talk about my dad.
That's really a great idea, to me.
I don't know when I'll post again but probably not for at least a week.
"See" you then.
I contacted Gallaudet University because my father wanted (instead of flowers) donations to go there to help Deaf students. So I got that information so Pete could get it printed on envelopes to give out at the service. That part was easy. All people would have to do is send their donation to Gallaudet University, Dept. of Development, 800 Florida Avenue NE, Washington DC 20002 and in the memo line say "in memory of Peter Scanlon" and they'll know to put it toward helping Deaf students. :)
My brother's been carrying extremely busy helping my mom make arrangements and staying with her until we can get back down to Maryland. Kristin has one more test (an ultrasound) and then off we go. My brother's really been running himself ragged these past few years. It hasn't been easy.
My dad didn't want a viewing. Truthfully, viewings are kind of gruesome. Rich didn't want one either but I did it anyway for the sake of the family. But I am glad Pete's following through with what my dad wanted. So my dad wanted to be an organ donor and then donate his body to science. So his body won't be at the memorial--it's just an empty shell now anyway. The spirit and soul that was my father is gone.
The pastor will speak and then friends and family can talk about my dad.
That's really a great idea, to me.
I don't know when I'll post again but probably not for at least a week.
"See" you then.
Monday, August 24
My Dad
TB and I are back for a couple of days. It's really been a weekend of feeling shock and roller-coastering emotions.
TB's been working to get our family room ready for my parents to move in. I was at the community college dropping paperwork off for my son and I got a message on my cell phone from my brother. I thought he said that my dad needed to go to the hospital and that I should call him as soon as possible. Now, the last time I saw my dad he was very strong. Even though he was losing most of his sight, he was strong physically and in mind. In fact, he carried a big box of books out to the van to bring back to NJ. Pete said it looked bad but I just figured he was sick or had a mild heart attack or something.
But when I got Pete on the phone, the first thing he said was "I love you" and it confused me. I said I love you too and asked what happened. He told me that my dad had been feeling unwell all week. Mom and Pete both wanted my dad to go to the doctor but he kept refusing. That's Dad. Pete said my parents were watching a baseball game on Friday and that mom thought dad had fallen asleep. He stopped, unable to go on.
All of a sudden it was dawning on me, what my brother was trying to tell me. My father was gone. It hit me like a hard fist in the stomach and I just lost it. I started crying--I just couldn't believe it. When Pete found out I was alone at the community college, he asked me to get Ted to come and pick me up. He said, don't drive, it's going to hit you again hard. Don't drive.
So I called home and got Bill. I was crying so hard, he couldn't understand me and put Ted on the phone. Ted could barely understand me either and I guess Heidi or Kristin must have picked up an extension because I heard one of them say, "Her father is dead". So Ted dropped everything and Bill drove him to the college. TB still had plaster all over his hands.
While I was waiting, I called the pastor of our church and so when TB arrived, we just went right over. Bill went on to work. Pastor said a prayer with us which was really comforting and I was calming down a lot.
We went down to MD Saturday morning and stayed until Sunday evening. We had to come back because of tests that Kristin was having Wednesday and for nerve tests & blood work for TB and me. But then we're going back Thursday. I'm going to stay with my mom for at least a week. She doesn't have a computer so unless I go to my brother's house, I'll be offline until I get back.
My mom, as anyone would expect, alternates between shock and grief. What she experienced is very similar to what happened with me and Bill when we found Rich. I know she's going to have flashbacks for a long time. I comforted her as much as possible and told her not to blame herself or feel guilty about anything. I'm also worried about her because she's so off-balance. She stands up and just about tips over. Even when she walks with support on either side of her, she has to stop frequently. She's having some initial tests after my father's memorial service and TB & I will make sure she gets good follow-up care here.
This morning I woke up early again so I posted a photo album about my dad on Facebook. I'm not done posting all the pictures. I brought a lot of them to MD and gave them to my niece to make a collage for my dad's memorial.
What's really upsetting me right now is that I want my kids to come for the service. Kristin even offered to stay with me afterward, at my mom's next week. But Billy and Heidi are hemming and hawing and saying well I can take this day off but not that...I don't know if they've talked to their supervisors. Isn't there supposed to be compassionate leave at Walmart and Shoprite? I feel like I should call the managers myself!
It's still really hard to believe.
The photo album is here.
TB's been working to get our family room ready for my parents to move in. I was at the community college dropping paperwork off for my son and I got a message on my cell phone from my brother. I thought he said that my dad needed to go to the hospital and that I should call him as soon as possible. Now, the last time I saw my dad he was very strong. Even though he was losing most of his sight, he was strong physically and in mind. In fact, he carried a big box of books out to the van to bring back to NJ. Pete said it looked bad but I just figured he was sick or had a mild heart attack or something.
But when I got Pete on the phone, the first thing he said was "I love you" and it confused me. I said I love you too and asked what happened. He told me that my dad had been feeling unwell all week. Mom and Pete both wanted my dad to go to the doctor but he kept refusing. That's Dad. Pete said my parents were watching a baseball game on Friday and that mom thought dad had fallen asleep. He stopped, unable to go on.
All of a sudden it was dawning on me, what my brother was trying to tell me. My father was gone. It hit me like a hard fist in the stomach and I just lost it. I started crying--I just couldn't believe it. When Pete found out I was alone at the community college, he asked me to get Ted to come and pick me up. He said, don't drive, it's going to hit you again hard. Don't drive.
So I called home and got Bill. I was crying so hard, he couldn't understand me and put Ted on the phone. Ted could barely understand me either and I guess Heidi or Kristin must have picked up an extension because I heard one of them say, "Her father is dead". So Ted dropped everything and Bill drove him to the college. TB still had plaster all over his hands.
While I was waiting, I called the pastor of our church and so when TB arrived, we just went right over. Bill went on to work. Pastor said a prayer with us which was really comforting and I was calming down a lot.
We went down to MD Saturday morning and stayed until Sunday evening. We had to come back because of tests that Kristin was having Wednesday and for nerve tests & blood work for TB and me. But then we're going back Thursday. I'm going to stay with my mom for at least a week. She doesn't have a computer so unless I go to my brother's house, I'll be offline until I get back.
My mom, as anyone would expect, alternates between shock and grief. What she experienced is very similar to what happened with me and Bill when we found Rich. I know she's going to have flashbacks for a long time. I comforted her as much as possible and told her not to blame herself or feel guilty about anything. I'm also worried about her because she's so off-balance. She stands up and just about tips over. Even when she walks with support on either side of her, she has to stop frequently. She's having some initial tests after my father's memorial service and TB & I will make sure she gets good follow-up care here.
This morning I woke up early again so I posted a photo album about my dad on Facebook. I'm not done posting all the pictures. I brought a lot of them to MD and gave them to my niece to make a collage for my dad's memorial.
What's really upsetting me right now is that I want my kids to come for the service. Kristin even offered to stay with me afterward, at my mom's next week. But Billy and Heidi are hemming and hawing and saying well I can take this day off but not that...I don't know if they've talked to their supervisors. Isn't there supposed to be compassionate leave at Walmart and Shoprite? I feel like I should call the managers myself!
It's still really hard to believe.
The photo album is here.
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