Thursday Thirteen and a bad day!

Thursday 13

I got this idea because I just finished Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King and just started his 11/22/63.

Thirteen Favorite Stephen King novels

Pretend all these titles are underlined. It's too much work for me today! ;)

1. The Stand
2. It
3. Salem's Lot
4. Dolores Claiborne
5. Hearts In Atlantis
6. Green Mile
7. The Shining
8. The Talisman
9. The Black House
10. Carrie
11. Needful Things
12. The Eyes of the Dragon
13. Bag of Bones

Getting back to Full Dark, No Stars, Stephen King delivered four short stories of one type of horror or another. He always delivers, even though I think his writing has changed since he was hit by that van and nearly killed. I'm a devoted fan of his earlier books, which appear on the list above.

I wonder what kind of book King would write if he wrote about us.

This has just been one of those days.

It's raining so TB is in excrutiating pain.

He started to chew one of our bariatric supplements for omega three. These chews used to be soft and now they're hard like rocks. One of the caps on his teeth came out. I put my chew back because that's all I need. We don't have dental coverage and won't get any until January 1.

The last time this happened, over a year ago, TB glued the cap back in himself over and over. It worked for months and then he accidentally swallowed it and we couldn't afford a new cap. So now that tooth has been sitting there uncapped. This time we'll rob Peter to pay Paul to have the dentist glue it back in. Hopefully it will stay put permanently or at least until we can get the insurance.

I had an appointment to see the kidney specialist this morning. I'd scheduled it for soon after Kristin's class started and figured I'd be back in time for the last class to end 3 hours later. Okay, you guessed it. I waited an hour in the waiting room before being called back and then went through a lot of rigamarole only to have the doctor barely look at me, order up a bunch of tests and say repeatedly I should've been sent to an endocrinologist. I got out 15 minutes before Kristin's class ended and it's a half hour drive to the school. I was aggravated and frustrated and majorly stressed out.

The sound on our TV isn't working. We don't know why.

I forgot to take a chicken out for dinner last night so I took it out around six this morning. It's still frozen. I put it into a sink of cold water. Think it'll be thawed enough for me to cut it in an hour?

With the way today's been going, I doubt it. :P

Our Hospital Visit & PTSD Work

I saw this quiz on Facebook and decided to try it. Here are my results:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

So it's nice to know I'm just moderately nuts in some areas! I'm surprised there was nothing for anxiety and depression. Those are the areas my diagnoses lie. Anyway...

Starting backwards, today I got up and was off and running almost right away. TB wasn't bleeding and was in relative comfort so I took Kristin to school and then went for my therapy appointment. For the last month, I've been working a program used by the military to diminish symptoms of PTSD. I've never been to war but it seems I have PTSD from growing up in another kind of war zone, the home of two alcoholic angry deaf adults.

One thing I've been working on is called "stuck points". They are areas where I've given myself an incorrect message because of something that happened to me. An example is when my mom found my writing, read it, and went all ballistic all over me. That's the incident. The message I tell myself, writing is bad; writing is not safe. The feeling is shame. There are hundreds of these "stuck points". Another one is where my parents were fighting and beating on each other. In terror, my brother and I ran from the house to our neighbor's. What I told myself is that I should have been able to stop the fight and didn't; I ran away instead. The feel is inadequacy.

With that example, my therapist wanted to know what I would tell the younger me. I thought about it and said I would say I'd done the best I could and it wasn't right that I should be put in that position. The therapist pointed out something I wasn't aware of. She said my affect was that of an orator and that I was disconnected from what happened. She said through all this, she's never seen me cry. She seemed surprised.

I told her there's no point in crying. It doesn't change anything and all you get for it is swollen eyes, hitching breath and a stuffy nose. She wondered when was the last time I cried and I can't remember. I'm sure it was after Rich died but then after that--say the last 5 years--I just have no clue.

The therapist thinks I've got repression going on, a defense mechanism to protect myself against painful feelings. That doesn't surprise me. I know I can detach from my feelings very easily. I also have a wall up that no one gets through. Will any of this change? After all, I'm 56 years old and have been using these defenses my whole life. Still, I have to try.

I would like to feel whole. I've often heard Dr. Phil tell parents that if they fight in front of their kids or abuse them or expose them to bad things, it changes the child forever. It's true. My brother and I were forever changed.

TB's surgery was a success! The procedure was done at the same hospital where we had our duodenal switches, Lourdes Medical Center. We really are impressed with this hospital and continue to be in spite of the mix-up in what time we were supposed to report. TB originally had an appointment with his orthopedic doctor in the morning because surgery was to be in the afternoon. However, we were told initially to report at 9 and so he had to cancel his appointment. Then they called back after it was too late and said oops, surgery is in the afternoon, come in at 11.

I had an up and down experience with the cafeteria. I went in at 11 to get a cup of coffee and found the door was locked. The vending machines outside didn't have coffee so I checked the time to see when I could come back. As I was doing that, the manager of the place saw me and said although the place was closed for half an hour, I could wait there. "Could I buy a cup of coffee?" I wondered. She smiled and said, "You can HAVE a cup of coffee." Ah! What a nice person. After TB went up for surgery I returned for a bite to it. There were no prices listed anywhere and no grilled cheese so I took a chance on a single slice of pizza and an iced tea to mix my protein with. It cost me just under five dollars!!!! For those two bitty things! Yikes, I felt like I was on Jersey Turnpike! So they got back they money for that first coffee. ;)

Dr. David Greenbaum did the surgery so we knew TB would be in good hands. Dr. Greenbaum also did our duodenal switches. He called me in the waiting room to tell me everything had gone well and TB would be back downstairs for me to see him in about an hour. Because TB missed his appointment with the orthopedic doctor, Dr. Greenbaum refilled his script for one of his pain medications.

So TB is holding up pretty well. His next big adventure is getting his tooth pulled on Saturday.

I need "3 On Your Side"

Something like this is happening to us:

The number of homeowners in the Obama administration's flagship foreclosure prevention program is growing, but it's not all good news. As 3-On Your Side's Jim Donovan reports, many applicants sit for months in limbo, awaiting final answers from their banks.

Adrienne Ervin has lived in her Drexel Hill home with her son and daughter for nine years. She tells us that she was working non-stop and had a great job with great pay until things suddenly changed in 2009. That's when Adrienne was laid off from her job. Unable to pay her mortgage, she reached out to her lender, Bank of America, for help.

After several months, the bank agreed to modify Adrienne's loan. They lowered her interest rate, gave her a new payment, and also gave her 60 days before she was to begin making payments.

But then, without warning, Adrienne says, "They took it back and said they approved me for the wrong kind of mortgage."

So it was back to square one.

Adrienne says, "I sent my pay stubs about 20 times, I've sent my utility bills, my bank account statements, everything they asked for."

Then one day the Sheriff came by to tell her that foreclosure proceedings had started.

The rest of the article is here.

I feel like we're in the Twilight Zone with The Bank From Hell, Bank of America. I've been misled, put into the wrong mortgage program, run in circles, and been outright lied to since November. I don't believe a single word any of them say to me anymore, especially now that I've learned they give false names and false information to get you off the phone.

They say banks want to help. Don't believe it any more. I think this is just something they say and they're just as happy to foreclose on people. Why else would the situation be like this with so many run around in circles by the same bank. When we were dealing with the company before BOA (Taylor Bean Whittaker), everything was spit spot and on the ball. Unfortunately that company apparently got itself into trouble and sold all their accounts to BOA.

I think BOA would like to dump any of these customers, including us.

I contacted consumer reporter Jim Donovan, who has the "3 On Your Side" series. I mean, I left a message for him. He helped the lady in this article. Wouldn't that be awesome if he could help us?

Right now, I'm stressed and depressed. I feel pretty hopeless but I'm trying not to. I'm trying to see things could still work out.

Ok, today bites/Mancat Monday

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday today. After posting my status at twitter--looking for the rainbow in spite of all the bad stuff going on--you'd think I'd be, right? Well...

Not me, I've got a bad case of agita. My bank positively stinks! TB and I applied in November to have our mortgage restructured...and we qualify! We filled out all the necessary paperwork and sent it back.

My day wasn't too bad until just twenty minutes ago.

Today we got a federal express delivery from Bank of America. The letter said because we didn't send two months proof of income they'd dismissed the application and we'd have to start over again.

I nearly went through the roof. TB and I have both been on social security disability for the last two years! The only verification I could give them was our award letters plus letters stating how much we'd be getting each month in 2009/2010.

Are the people in this department of the bank stupid or are they just deliberately playing games with us?

I couldn't call today because, of course, the bank is closed due to the holiday. So I've been telling myself to calm down and save my worry and aggravation for tomorrow.

Deep breathing, Cass. Deep breathing. :P

What can I do to feel better? Hmmm...maybe a little cat blogging? Who's around?


Kosmo: I yam havin a betteh day dan you, Mommy Bean, but I yam a widdle aggervatapated too!
Me: Oh no, whassamatta?

Kosmo: Weell, nuttin now but befor Daddy Bean wuz lovin me too long!

I liks lovins but I wanna go when I wanna go!

Ah well, we all have our own agita to bear, eh?

Want more cat blogging?

Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday!

Me: Hey, Kosmo, whassup, buddy?

Want more cat blogging? Be sure to check out Blogging Cat Noos for all the latest in the cat blogosphere!

Six Month Visit With My Surgeon

My TB and I went to see Dr. G today. It's been a year since TB had his DS and a little over 6 mos since I had mine! TB has lost 70% of his excess weight and Dr. G thinks he's doing great. His beta carotene was a little low and his iron was a little saggy.

I had mostly good news too. I've lost 60% of my excess weight! My labs looked great to Dr. G as well. He said I should keep doing what I'm doing but I was thinking I would boost up some of my vits that were a little on the low side. The only issue with my weight loss is that Dr. G wants me to slow down. He prescribed an enzyme. Oh dear.

The other issue was a little more troubling but he said I was not to lose sleep over this. He is proactive rather than reactive, he explained. When he sees a number that isn't right and he doesn't understand why, he wants to investigate it.

My liver functions were high. He asked if that's happened to me before and I said yes. Before surgery? he asked and I said yes. When it happened, the doctor would just send me for a repeat CMP and the results must have been okay the second time around because the doctor never said to do anything. I wondered if it might be the vicodin I take. He asked, do you know that for sure? And I said no.

Here's the thing. Apparently it's routine to have a liver biopsy during the surgery. My results came back negative for cirrhosis or citosis but showing something going on. I can't remember what he called it. It's something he sees in obese patients more and more. So usually having the DS helps it--the RNY aggravates the condition (not sure why, this is just what he said). Anyway, since my numbers were still coming back high, he wants me to see a hematologist at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital--hopefully they have a satellite in New Jersey.

I will not worry about this. I will not. I'll make the appointment and not think about it until I see that specialist and find out what's going on!

GiST #10

1. I was feeling stressed and anxious but I think I've figured out why. It has to do with trust issues. I thought I felt safe in a new forum but then something happened and it may not be as safe as I thought. On the up side, though, as I was processing all this I thought: I can make it as safe a place as can be for me. I don't have to depend on others to create safety for me. You can't depend on the internet to be a "safe" place, there's going to be conflict, trolls, and bullies anywhere you go. So why get all upset and feeling like I've been betrayed again? That's just letting myself take the victim role again. Instead, I will say to myself: well, this is how it is and I will create my own safety net.

2. I am down another two pounds!

3. I've been ripping Christmas music from my CDs to my computer. Even though my radio reception stunk today, I still enjoyed my holiday music by listening this way!

4. My mother-in-law came over for a while this afternoon and we enjoyed a very pleasant visit

5. The Amazing Race is on tonight! :)

Sunday Stuff

I feel very stressed and anxious. I'm not sure why. It started when I got a PM (personal message) from another member of the new forum I found on OH. A lady I'd befriended last year found me on the new forum and thought she might like to join that board too. I encouraged her, saying oh yes, this board is very welcoming and very warm. Well, the PM said something to the effect of: be careful. This new lady is welcome if she behaves herself and doesn't stir up stuff as she's done on the state forum (the one in which you live) or on the surgery board.

And I thought: oh no, not again!

This other lady has been castigated and practically crucified on our surgery board almost every time she posts. The ones who trash and bash her say they are tired of her, that she's been around long enough to know better and shouldn't ask "is this or that food or behavior OK for me" when she knows they aren't. This lady and I corresponded before about why she seems to rub people the wrong way. I have to say, I don't get it. This lady says it's because she's thick and doesn't understand and she doesn't express herself well. I don't know if that's it. It feels more like she's the goat everyone picks on because they can upset her.

Anyway, I started to feel anxious, sick to my stomach. I went to lie down and I just kept thinking, why does this stuff have to go on everywhere? Is there no way to escape this? That new board didn't feel safe anymore. I feel disillusioned but don't want to say anything because it will set off "drama". The last thing I need or want right now is more drama.

I've been trying to relax about it, take deep breaths and tell myself it's not important. I don't understand yet why it's bothering me so much.







During his visit yesterday, Little T and I posed for a picture. Kennan was kind enough to take the picture for me. It's a big change over the last picture of T and me together--I was so much bigger!



This week's stolen meme: The party mummy meme

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Cicely Tyson

2. Where was your first kiss? the front seat of my friend's car

3. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? If yes, why? My brother, when we were kids. We used to fight. :P

4. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? When? Not by myself! I was in the Ethnomusialogical Society and also the concert choir when I was in high school

5. What's the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? Eye contact

6. What really turns you off? Bullying, bigotry and stereotyping

7. What is your biggest mistake? I'm too naive about trusting people

8. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? N but I've imagined doing that

9. Say something totally random about yourself. I love classical music

10. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Ha! No!

11. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? Define "kiddie". I watch Disney cartoon movies

12. Are you comfortable with your height? Yes

13. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Massaged my feet and put lotion on them, LOL. With my feet, that's true love!

14. When do you know it's love? When you are filled to burst with warm positive feelings toward another and can't imagine life without him or her

15. What's something that really annoys you? I thought I answered this one. Oh, wait...that was about things that turn me off. Okay, something that annoys me: rudeness

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Marathon :: race


2. Debt :: owe


3. Turn :: spin


4. Image :: picture


5. Sofa :: couch


6. Envelope :: letter


7. Cart :: horse


8. Process :: understand


9. Question :: answer


10. Rumor :: gossip

Things on my mind this morning

I've been feeling anxious on and off since yesterday morning. I worry about things, about stuff I can control and stuff I can't. I have to review and practice again things I'd learned years ago: "let go and let God" and "take it easy" among a couple of them. When I was in the hospital, I asked for a book that I could write in. It was really helpful because I noticed I could get a lot of emotion out by pressing hard with the pencil if I needed to. I brought the book home and one of my goals today is to write in it again, especially when I feel anxious. I want to go for a walk, too, because that will release endorphins to help me feel better. I wanted to go to church but TB is feeling sick and I'm not feeling strong enough to go by myself. I mean, I don't think I can handle everyone asking, "How're you all doing?" and "How's your mom?" They don't know what happened.

One thing I "forgot" especially was to put it all in God's Hands. I'm scared to drive over bridges--I have severe panic attacks. So what I've been doing to get over is to say, "God, I can't do this. Please take the wheel for me." And He does and He holds the wheel and the car goes across the bridge. I was talking to Anthony (another patient) about these negative looping thoughts we get into that just keep spiralling around and around. He was reading a book by Norman Vincent Peale and he was trying to learn from it. I asked, what do you do then? And he said, he prays. Wow, I thought. Why didn't I remember that? Just as I'd prayed to God to help me over the bridge, I could have been praying to God to help me with this. Why did I forget that or not think to apply that to this situation?

I've also forgotten to work the steps. I am one of those who fell away from working on my recovery. I'm fine, I told myself. I can deal with it all. I'd been dealing with it very well--stress and life's issues, I mean. Then BAM! This happens. Why? Well, one reason is that obviously I'm not well. I'm not fully recovered. It's a lifelong process, not something that goes away just because the issues aren't in my face anymore. Before I embarked on any of this, I should have worked the steps. One thing I've been doing since I got out of the hospital is checking out the CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) online groups. I was aware of them before but I never took the time to really focus on them.

I'm going to read and re-read. My MIL gave me a gift that will really come in handy right now. It's called Where Do I Find It In the Bible and it's a resource guide grouping topics so I can find the verses I need quickly. I also found books from the two 12-step websites that I've already requested from our library. My priority needs to be focusing on recovery.

When I used to go to ACOA meetings, the twelve steps were exactly the same as the AA steps. When I checked out the two websites, however, I saw that the steps--at least the first one--had been adapted to fit specific needs of CoDA and ACOA. I'm not sure if I more fit one or the other or both but here's the twelve from ACOA and I'm going to start working on these:

1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory
of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and
became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve
our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

ACOA has a 12 step workbook. I'd like to get that when we have a little more money. I think it would help. Meanwhile, reading the books from the library and taking notes on them and going to online meetings will help me.

I made a list of things I want to do today and I wanted to keep it manageable so I just put a couple things down there. Many are easy to accomplish: read, nap, go for a walk. Right now, I've accomplished one of my goals of the day, too--blogging how I feel. No more secrets.

Home from the hospital

This is not an easy post for me to write but I'm not ashamed, just at a loss for words.

TB and I went voluntarily to the hospital ER Tuesday morning after I started to have an emotional breakdown at the therapist's office. I don't remember *a lot* of what happened that day. I remember saying that I wanted to break glass with my fists and I had an urge to take a broken piece of glass and cut my arms. I remember I said I didn't want to die but I wanted to escape from the pain and desperation I was feeling. I wanted to take a bottle of my valium so that I could relax and not feel what I was feeling. Susan called it passive suicidal thoughts and she's right. I don't know if I would have gone through with it because I've had these feelings before when I was a teenager and when I've felt trapped and I never did anything. Still, the situation at home was getting so bad maybe I would have acted this time.

And so Susan and Dr. Layne said I was at risk and needed to go to the ER.

I was admitted and I stayed in the psych ward until last night. TB and Bill came to pick me up. They'd just come back from returning my mom to Maryland and so I was able to go home. I felt better last night but I still feel very fragile and anxious. It doesn't help that TB spent a lot of money on stuff we didn't exactly need right now and we're so tight financially. I couldn't get my meds today because there wasn't enough money. Luckily I have enough...and it turns out some of them had already been filled on Halloween. I guess I forgot the pharmacy was holding them.

So why did I have a meltdown? Well, it's complicated. It started with mom moving here. I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought I was able to cope with all of that. Years ago, when I was married to Rich, I'd gone for counseling and to ACOA meetings. At that time my therapist said that my parents were toxic and that I needed to distance myself so I could get well. So I was distanced for 20 years while my brother was left to deal with it all. And when my dad died and I knew mom was coming to live with us, I was sure I could handle it. After all, I'd had all that counseling and years of distance and I thought I was okay.

It's really weird trying to understand all of this. On one hand, I think to myself: hey, it wasn't all that bad and mom is just a little old lady, unable to hurt anyone and she's just lost her husband. I figured she still had a lot of anger issues and it's so hard for an elderly person to lose a spouse and then get uprooted from home--even if she says that's what she wanted to do. I figured it was normal for her to be angry and resentful and to blame my brother and me for everything happening. She said we'd forced her out of her home, she wasn't comfortable with us, she wanted to be alone and not bothered with all these children nor having to share a bath and so on and so on. And she'd stay she was stuck because my brother didn't want to care for her--even though I'd explained until I was blue in the face that he *had* been taking care of her but wasn't able to run to her ever minute she wanted. She blamed my dad for almost everything and when she wasn't blaming him, she was blaming my brother. I think if I hadn't been there and my brother had, she would've blamed me for everything.

I tried to tell myself that this was just normal kvetching on the part of a bitter woman who'd lost her husband and was unable to take care of herself in her own home anymore. So I'm not understanding why I fell apart like I did, knowing all these things. I just know that her anger and hostility against my brother and my father and yes, even me, started to freak me out. She'd get "that look" on her face and go off and suddenly it was like it'd been when I was a kid and so scared of her rage. How stupid is that? I'm 55 years old for crying out loud!

And it wasn't ever going to stop. The first time it happened I let it go. The second time, I wrote her a note and said I was sorry she was so unhappy and that she ought to go back to MD since her trailer hadn't sold yet. She'd say no, she was stuck here now because she couldn't afford to go back. I didn't get that at all because she's got quite a bit of money in her account. But old people worry about that stuff, right? I wrote her that this was creating too much stress for me and she stopped, said she was sorry and "behaved" for a while. But then it began again. And she's been like that my whole life so I didn't see it would ever ever be different.

I would never be good enough, never do enough to make her happy, never make the right choices...it would always be wrong. My brother and I talked about it and he feels the same way. Nothing we do will ever be right or enough.

I wrote her another letter and I could see it was just going to be the same old thing. There were excuses and rationalizations for everything. Above all else, she maintained she couldn't go back even though she knew she'd be happier. I'd hear her door close as she'd come out to the main living area and I'd cringe, dreading having to talk to her or see her angry face. On Wednesday night, TB said he was scared because he saw me run through a gamut of emotions within a very short period of time--fear, anger, compassion and then fear again. I couldn't sit still. I scootched down in the chair so she wouldn't be able to see me if she came in. I stalked around the room in a rage. And I beat myself up for not being kinder to an old lady.

So we had an appointment with Susan Tuesday morning. It started out okay even though I felt stressed. When I started talking to Susan though, all the emotions I was feeling broke through and I couldn't shut myself up.

About smashing the glass and cutting: yes, I wanted to do it. I'd been thinking about it Wednesday night. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to escape and I felt so trapped and in such pain. I thought if I could just break the glass and cut myself I could release some of the rage and fear I was feeling. If I could just gulp the pills down my heart would stop pounding the way it was. And I just wanted to be honest when I answered Susan--she asked, "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" And this time, instead of lying and saying, no, of course not, I blurted it all out.

I heard her and Dr. Layne saying I was at risk. I heard them saying that it was toxic at my house right now and that the thing to do would be to return my mother to MD as she wanted. And so Ted did, taking Bill along to help.

When I was in the hospital, one of the nurses said to me that I had to be prepared for my mom to be mad and to tell everyone what a horrible daughter I am--that I kicked her out. Well...it won't be in my face every single day. And it's not true. My brother and I wanted her to be safe. She said she wanted to live with me, that she couldn't manage on her own. TB was having surgeries and so we needed to move her in September. Now she says we forced and rushed her, that she should have stayed there, wish she'd stayed there, etc etc and so really, we were just doing what she wanted.

That's what I'm telling myself.

Guilt is an ugly monster though. I struggle. I tell myself this but I hear a little voice whispering, you are a bad, bad daughter.

Cats on Tuesday: Twofer

Usually I've got one cat on my desk and one waiting on the arm chair to leap on as soon as the first one vacates....like right now. Mouse is on my desk and Amber is waiting, somewhat impatiently.

One day last week, though, I had both Mouse and Cubby. Usually when this happens one cat or the other will back down and jump off but not this time! I had a twofer on my desk! Two cats to pet in the space meant for one. Other than giving each other the evil fishy eye from time to time, they shared very nicely.

Yesterday I talked to my therapist about what happened yesterday morning and, really, what's been happening in recent days and weeks. Everything overwhelms me, from trying to answer all my email to straightening up my room to going to this training. The therapist helped put things into perspective for me: I've been through a lot.

We also agreed that it was time to start working on my specific issues--like anxiety--instead of week to week crisis management.

Before my first husband died, I wasn't exactly a social butterfly but I was definitely more outgoing. I tend to hide in my house and have been for the last couple of years. I used to write, fan fiction it was but still they were long stories with plots. I could do it again if I wasn't afraid. I used to work and was a good interpreter.

I don't like being a hermit and so fearful of everything. I worry about what people think of me when they see me. I worry my stuff is no good and I'm just wasting my time. I worry about panic attacks in public. I wonder what happened to my philosophy of let go and let God.

Anyway, the therapist suggested that this month I should try to heal. As for coping with the anxieties, she suggested making a list of a few things that I want to accomplish during the day--not a lot of things, just a couple.

One thing I wanted to accomplish was a Cats on Tuesday post. Another thing I want to accomplish is visiting people back. Another is to make an appointment for myself to see the eye doctor. Another is to straighten up a part of my room so it won't be so overwhelming. Baby steps.

Want more Cats on Tuesday? Be sure to check out Gattina's blog. Today is also Tuxie Tuesday and then there's Blogging Cat Noos for all the latest!

I'm hoping this is normal but...

I wasn't quite expecting this reaction to the good news. I expected to feel relieved and I am. I also expected to feel energized and upbeat but I'm not. I guess the stress was really at work on my body because I don't feel what I expected to feel after learning we'd be able to save the house and so on. I feel exhausted and drained, irritable and unable to focus. I thought I'd be posting cat pictures and blogging away happily, catching up on all the kind comments people have left for me.

Instead, I'm wondering why I don't feel better. Maybe I should take a nap.

Most people want to avoid having their vehicles re-po'd and I'm wondering when Toyota is going to get their act together and come get the car. We leased TB's car in 2005 and don't let anyone tell you that leasing is a great deal, it's not. But that's another story. We've been trying to give this freaking car back since January. By June of this year, we were telling Toyota look, we have no money, please just come get the car. And Toyota, inexplicably, was saying, we don't want to come get the car.

In the beginning of the month we got a letter from Toyota stating that if we didn't pay what we owed, they were going to break the lease July 17th. Good...they'd come get the car and we could stop worrying about it.

It's July 27 and they haven't come for the car. TB's taken everything out of it that was of any value to us anticipating that it would be towed away any day. I'm thinking we have to take it to the dealership and leave it there.

Now I'm going to take a nap. I'm going to be kind of myself and not put pressure on myself to feel something I don't feel or do something I'm not ready to do (like happy blogging). I'm hoping this feeling of blahness will pass soon.

Sometimes it feels like a curse

Some days are truly overwhelming. Today we got a letter from the township declaring that we were in violation because we hadn't gotten a permit for electrical improvements we had done to the house around 2 years ago. The letter stated we were being fined $2000 and for every week we didn't pay, another $2000 would be added to the fine. The letter also said they could force us out of the home.

TB and I nearly had heart failure.

He called the electric company and within a half hour we found out that there is a permit but that we probably needed to have an inspection done of the work. The secretary reassured us not to worry; we'd done nothing wrong and they would handle it.

I am a quivering mess of nerves. I don't know how much more stress we can take. Even though it turns out this is all right there is still the enormous burden of the other problems we're carrying.

My mother said once that there was a curse on our family because my father is an atheist. A part of me knows that that is silly but another primitive superstitious part of me wonders if it's true.

I know we are not the only ones to face hard times but there is such an overwhelming amount of hard times here. It's not just the health it's also the finances and the possibility of losing our home and our car.

I woke up today and have been walking around with such a feeling of dread and doom. I hate feeling this way. I don't feel like doing anything because of this pervasive what's the use? emotional thing I have going on.

We saw another specialist for TB--this time at the Rothman Institute which is supposed to be renown for orthopedic care. Well, we were basically blown off there, too. The doctor said TB isn't a candidate for surgery in his opinion not only because of his weight but also because back surgery benefits the legs more than anything else and TB doesn't have a lot of leg involvement. The doctor told TB back surgery doesn't help all that much with back pain; often patients still have the same pain--sometimes it's worse! He also said that he felt TB had a 25% chance or less of going back to work.

Nice and encouraging, eh?

No wonder I feel so bad.

Roller coaster ride

If there is any one small consolation it's that TB and I are not alone on this roller coaster ride of financial disaster. We go up, we go down. We were up on Monday and Tuesday after meeting with JCHD, Jersey Counseling & Housing Development. The lady there looked at our ridiculous budget and still worked with us, talking to the mortgage company. We got a disability forbearance until the end of September, time for us to regroup and redo our finances. We have to show that we can afford our mortgage and our bills and still have money left over. A daunting task but we figured we could do it.


Now we are rocketing back down, after talking with someone at Consumer Credit. We'd hoped to enroll in their program but as soon as our expenses put us in the red, she told us we wouldn't qualify for the program. The alternatives would be selling the house or filing for bankruptcy, although the latter might not help us that much.

We need for TB's social security disability to be approved. Then he'll be able to collect his disability pension and then we can start approaching Consumer Credit Counseling again. We have to show that we can meet all our basic expenses first and then have money left over for bills.

This whole process is so scary. I felt hopeful up until I hung up with this woman from the CCC. Now I am feeling despair again. What if SSA doesn't come through by the end of September? I had to take an Ativan to calm myself down.

On top of it all, TB is suffering terribly. He couldn't sleep at all last night between the pain in his back and in his legs. We had to get our partial deposit back from the bariatric surgeon to help us meet expenses during this forbearance period. He really needs that surgery desperately by the practice will not accept just the insurance company's payment of $7000. They want their whole fee of $8000 odd dollars and it doesn't matter the circumstances. Thanks a lot, NJ Bariatrics. :P

TB is confused about what to do next and so am I. We can wait for the disability to kick in and then we could put the deposit down again so he can get the surgery. We could try a different doctor and start over again. The rollercoaster plunges down even further. When will it go up again?

State of the Family, aka Worry Worry Worry

TB's legs started to get red and hot again and so this morning we went back to the doctor. It's possible he has community based MRSA, a possibility that scares us almost to death. The doctor didn't take any skin scrapings or anything so the pharmacist guessed he's just treating it very conservatively. He switched TB to an antibiotic usually used to treat MRSA. Two really scary things: how did this happen? and will the fact that TB has diabetes slow down or complicate his healing?

In TN, we have relatives with some very serious legal issues that are coming up very soon. What will happen to them? What will happen to our grandchildren? And how can they continue to live under toxic conditions, with the children's other grandparent being so hatefully critical and mean?

Then there's Little T ... where is he going to live? His mother won't do the right thing and give the father residential custody until she finds something stable. Why should this be a surprise? There is nothing stable about her.

Speaking of stability, how many months can you miss paying your mortgage before the company moves to foreclose?

And me...I'm trying not to be such a hypochondriac. Why do my legs hurt? Why are they red? Why are my feet swollen? Is there cysts on my right kidney? What does that mean? And what will the echocardiogram show?

These...and other questions ... may or may not be answered in upcoming days and weeks. Tune in. :P

Anxiety disorders & women

Why is it when we hear about anxiety disorders or talk about them, women seem to be the ones who suffer most from them? Is it because men suppress all those emotions that make us anxious? Maybe not.

This comes from an article called "Who's At Risk For Anxiety Disorders?"

The role of abuse. Girls and women are more likely to be victims of physical or mental abuse, and this experience is a known risk factor for post-traumatic stress disorder. Childhood abuse also seems to cause long-term changes in brain chemistry and structure. These changes may predispose such individuals to anxiety disorders. ...

One study found that sexually abused women also have abnormal blood flow in the hippocampus, which processes memories and emotions. ... Animal studies reveal that stress can actually harm cells in the hippocampus.

Hormones. Gender differences in the prevalence of anxiety disorders may also have something to do with differences in sex hormones. Scientists know that estrogen interacts with serotonin, but they’re just beginning to tease out the relationship. ...

I was never sexually abused but there was a lot of emotional and some physical abuse. I was struck once by a statement pop psychologist Dr. Phil made on his show once: that abuse changes who a child is. I thought about that and decided it must be true. I can see and feel when the child in me sort of split and became someone different. Maybe that's why I still have an inner child trapped inside me.

Interesting. I have worked very very hard not to heap that kind of abuse on my kids. I see how they are turning out and I think I mostly was successful at it.

Common Sense Tips to Reduce Stress & Anxiety

Everyday Health sends me newsletters on various topics and many times I find the articles are very helpful. Sometimes they are filled with common-sense advice that once I read it, I say "Doh! I know this!" Yet I don't always follow through with that. Now why is that? That could be food for another post.


Anyway, since we are assaulted by stressors from all sides on a nearly continuous basis, 24/7, here are some ways we can cope with it:

1. Exercise. This is one of the things I already knew. When you exercise, your brain begins to release feel-good endorphins which makes everything more bearable. In addition to that, your body is blowing off muscle tensing stress.

2. Talk to friends. This is another one that I know about. Whatever happened to the old kaffee-klatches, do people still get together and do that stuff? Or is everything now online? Part of my issue has always been reaching out. I'm not comfortable with it and have always felt like I was intruding on someone. That is why I've been:

3. Talking to a therapist. For one thing, I can vent freely without worrying about hurting someone's feelings. Also, I feel that the therapist is being paid to listen and to help and so it's not an intrusion. Also again, the therapist usually tells me: call your friend. You'd be doing them a favor and making them feel good by letting them do some good to someone else. Oh, so I wouldn't be intruding?

4. Blog/write your thoughts. I have one book for specific homicidal thoughts against particular people (heh, just kidding) and my online blogs. I keep the two separate because, first of all, everyone has problems and no one wants to go to someone's blog who is whining about a certain sociopathic family member all the time. So I keep the specific problems and stressors offline as much as possible. Not only that, I find cat blogging and photo memory blogging to be so relaxing, it's almost like exercise. Mental exercise.

5. Set limits. This is the "just say no" thing that I also seem to have trouble with. I want to help if I can but sometimes there's just no way to help particular people.

6. Compromise. I'm not sure what that's about so I'm interpreting it to mean "Let go and let God." This is another one I have to work on. I always feel that if I can get things to go my way, everything will turn out for the best. The thing is, people tend to be human and will not always follow my lead like the drones I might suspect them to be. :P Heh again.

Panic Disorder and Me

A woman, age 65, is driving over a bridge when she’s gripped with fear. She gets palpitations and chest pains and begins to sweat. She feels as though she’s about to suffocate, and is certain she’s going to die. She screams, and the friend sitting next to her in the car reaches over and grabs the steering wheel. The passenger manages to pull the car over safely. The attack passes after about 10 minutes, but is so frightening that the woman calls her doctor. After performing a physical exam and finding her otherwise healthy, the doctor tells her that she had a panic attack and recommends a psychiatric consultation.

The first time it happened to me driving over a bridge, there was no way I could let on what was happening. If I acknowledged it, I would die. I was about 22 and driving two people to a VISTA workshop in Philadelphia. The young woman from the office sat in the passenger seat chirping merrily away as we got onto the Delaware Memorial Bridge and suddenly I had the worst panic attack of my life. I felt like the 65 year old woman described above and although I might have wanted to, I didn't scream. After that, the attacks on the bridges became so bad I wouldn't drive over them anymore...and I didn't, not for over 20 years!

Symptoms: Sudden, extreme apprehension, fear, or terror, often associated with feelings that a catastrophe is imminent. Physical symptoms include shortness of breath, palpitations, chest pain, sweating, a sensation of smothering, and fear of going crazy or losing control. During panic attacks, individuals may feel so dissociated from the world, and even from themselves, that they think they’re losing their minds and are out of touch with reality. But panic attacks, in and of themselves, are not a sign of psychosis—once the panic attack passes, the person no longer feels "crazy" or out of control.

I wasn't diagnosed with panic attack syndrome until 1983...mostly because no one knew what to call it. My therapist finally found it in the DSM of that year. It's so hard to describe what was happening to me and in the early days when I first sought out help I really thought I was having a psychotic break. It didn't help that the therapists were telling me that I was "dissociating" and in a "fugue state"--those are the feels of disconnection from the world. It wasn't their fault--they didn't know what was happening to me either. It just added on to my fear and my need to hide what was happening. As the waves of panic would hit me like a tidal wave I struggled and fought for my sanity (or so I thought). I honestly thought I would die or go crazy.

A panic attack usually lasts 5–30 minutes, but it can continue for as long as several hours. Though panic attacks typically occur during the day, they can also rouse someone from deep sleep. Because they cause symptoms throughout the body, panic attacks can be mistaken for neurological, gastrointestinal, cardiac, or pulmonary illnesses.

Luckily, I never got any in my sleep but they would come in waves, usually in the afternoon and they would continue for several hours. It felt like eternity. As one would recede, another one might come on.

A panic attack can be an isolated event, or may occur repeatedly. When people have more than one panic attack, they are often triggered by a particular situation. Some people develop anticipatory anxiety when they are in situations that have induced panic attacks before, such as driving or riding over a bridge, shopping in a crowded store, or waiting in line. The common denominator for such panic-inducing situations is that they make the individual feel as though he or she is in danger and unable to escape. A panic attack can also be a symptom of another anxiety disorder, such as panic disorder, specific phobia, post-traumatic stress disorder, or generalized anxiety disorder. In these cases, however, a panic attack is one of many symptoms.

When I was an interpreter, I had these anticipatory attacks and they were pure hell. I interpreted for some majorly technical classes in the afternoons and the attacks would come around the same time. I dreaded the classes as much as I dreaded bridges...maybe even more. I had to stay where I was because leaving meant the deaf client would miss the message. I think more than anything else, the attacks are the reason I stopped interpreting.

The article I'm quoting from is from Everyday Health.com. It goes on to explain that about 7% of all of us will have at least one panic attack in his or her life. That's not a lot. Why do people get them anyway? It might be a genetic predisposition to an abnormal response in the brain called "flight or fight." When you go into that mode, all your senses are heightened and adrenaline starts pumping. You see women lifting cars off their husbands. When there's no real danger present, that's when the panic sets in. I think it's entirely plausible for this to be genetic. I have several cousins with the same disorder.

What helped me the most was two things: anti-anxiety medicine and a coping strategy. The therapist taught me that I wasn't going to die or lose my mind. I'd be able to get through the attacks easier by reassuring myself that I would be uncomfortable for a while but that it would go away and I'd feel fine again. That made the attacks easier to manage a little but I still wanted them to go away completely! The only way to do that, I believed, was to totally avoid the situation (i.e. stop interpreting). I really haven't had a panic episode since. Thank God!