Thursday Thirteen #49: Memories of my Dad

Thursday Thirteen



My dad

In all these months, I haven't thought very much about my dad and I couldn't say honestly that I've grieved. At first I thought it had something to do with my growing up years but as the memories have been coming back, I think it has more to do with not letting myself think about or remember my dad. I've been looking at pictures of him lately because I've been scanning lots of loose pictures, the ones not in albums.

The memories coming back of my dad are not terrible at all. Some are unpleasant but you know what? Most are pretty good. My dad had a different relationship with me than he did with my brother because, I'm sure, I was a little girl. Expectations of girls by their fathers are dramatically different than the ones dads have of their sons. I benefited from that. I was as much a 'daddy's little girl' as is possible, especially when I was little.

What changed was the drinking although I don't remember my dad ever threatening me or calling me names. The problem that developed between us was because of his relationship to my mother and brother.

I have a feeling that I will grieve a lot as soon as I let myself.

Anyway, the memories:

1. I don't remember anything from infancy, of course, but this picture represents how my dad felt about me. There is one picture I do remember but can't find it (or my mom has it): my dad is holding onto my brother and me and we are at the beach. I do remember my dad teaching me to swim. He put his arms under me and held me just above the water as I practiced the movements to do a forward crawl. I felt ... safe.

2. On graduation day from junior high, Dad wanted a picture of me and him together. We didn't have many pictures of those because usually he was holding the camera. I wasn't too crazy about this because I felt really fat but he said, "no matter, you are beautiful to me."

3. Another picture of my dad and me, taken in 1976. We'd gone up to Long Island for a big family get-together. My Uncle Russell and Aunt Lee had come in from California for a visit so it was the first time all of us had been together in many years.

4. My brother and I threw a surprise 25th wedding anniversary for my parents at my apartment. We got them but good! I remember my father's eyes filling up with tears and spilling over when he realized what was going on. It was a great party!

5. My dad and I liked to swim and we went every day if we could. My parents bought a mobile home in 1978 and I lived there with them briefly before moving to New York. We'd swim laps at the community pool, which was always a lot of fun!

6. My dad and my Uncle Bob were as close as brothers. I have another picture of them I like better. They are barbecuing together, something they loved. It was part of our tradition when our families got together in the summer time. I think this picture was taken just before my cousin Bob's marriage to wife Diane way back in the early '80s.

7. My parents came to LI to visit me around Christmas, 1983. The tree on the left was a "Charlie Brown" tree, the very first tree I'd bought on my own. They met Rich, who I'd begun dating in October of that year. We had a nice little visit.

8. My wedding day October 19, 1985--I really like this picture but I have another favorite. Still, I remember how proud and happy Dad was that day. Once again, always emotional, my dad's eyes would fill with tears and spill over that day.

9. My dad loved being around his family. This picture was taken in 1986 and I think it was at my cousin Mary's house. When he was in his cups, my dad would make up his own brand of poetry, make speeches and "sing" in sign language. He'd also use his voice. When he was happy-drunk, he was fun.

10. Here is a picture of Dad with his brother, my Uncle Thomas. The picture was taken in 1987 and we were in my brother's backyard. He was having a family cookout and we had a tremendous time. My dad was always very close with his brother.

11. My parents came for Kristin's christening. Here's one of those rare shots when all of us were together.

12. In 1994, Rich and I joined Weight Watchers and lost a great deal of weight. We went to visit my parents at their trailer and Rich snapped this one of me, Dad, Mom and Kristin. I think we were there for my parents' anniversary.

13. There are actually fourteen pictures in this slide show but one of them is a cropped close up of dad from this picture of him, mom and my brother. It's the last picture I took of him with my camera. It was taken in 2005, at my son's high school graduation party. My brother, my niece (his daughter) Tricia, and my parents had driven up from Maryland to come to the party and it was really the first time I'd seen any of them since 1999. I feel sad about that...

I am sure more memories will come back as I scan more pictures and reflect back. I am happy so many good memories of my dad are coming back.

Cats on Tuesday: Frisky

CATS ON TUESDAY is a group of cat lovers who share pictures and/or stories about their cats once a week, hosted by Gattina.

Frisky was my father's cat. The first time I "met" her was on a surprise visit to my parents around Christmas--TB and I just decided to drive down to help mom with her computer. It was the first time we tried to talk to dad about his failing eyesight and driving. Anyway, my father brought me into the bedroom to introduce me to a lump under the bedspread. He was laughing and said Frisky was too shy to really come out and meet me.

After dad died and we all descended on the trailer, everyone encountered that same lump. Poor Frisky. At this point, she's twelve years old and she missed my father. My mom said she was very restless ever since it all happened, looking for dad and crying. Mom can't hear the crying, of course, but she can see the cat's mouth open frequently and so she knew.

I wanted to try and make friends with Frisky but Mom said it would be really hard to do that. Frisky only wanted Dad and clung to Mom now because at least she was used to my mother. Sure enough, I tried to pet the lump and heard a lot of hissing. I went away. The next time I tried, I also raised the blanket so I could see her. Now, not only did I get the hissing, it was followed by a lot of snarls and growls. I did see that she's a black cat, like Indigo.

After that, I just talked to her whenever I was in the room. I'd say to her, "Hi, Frisky, I'm Cassie. You don't know me yet and I know you miss your Daddy Bean very much. I just want to be friends with you. Soon you'll be moving to New Jersey to live at our house and that is going to be a big shock for you. Don't worry, you'll be okay. We all care about you." My mother would watch me talking to her with a very skeptical look.

Still, on the last day Kristin and I were there, I saw Frisky lying out on top of the bed. I stopped and looked at her for a few seconds and she looked at me. She didn't move so I spoke reassuringly to her and then I left her alone.

Poor thing. She's grieving the loss of my father and is already reclusive to begin with. Now she's leaving the only home she ever knew to move to a strange house with strange people...and even worse, a strange dog and strange cats. Luckily, she'll have her own big room to hide in. She's going to have major adjustments--just like my mom. Just like all of us.

Want more cat blogging?

Be sure to check out Gattina's blog. Today is also Tuxie Tuesday and then there's Blogging Cat Noos for all the latest!

The Butterfly

When TB and I visited my parents in August, I brought my camera with me. I meant to take pictures that day but I forgot. Later, when we were headed home I realized I'd forgotten but then I thought next time. Well...there was no next time. When I brought my camera for my dad's memorial service, I made sure to use it when family members came back to the house afterwards. Here's the link: Family Pictures

I've always had a "thing" for butterflies, especially the Monarch butterfly. I didn't realize what they signified until after Rich died. Not long afterwards, my friend Elfie came to visit me from Austria. We went to Jones Beach on Long Island. As we were driving back home, a beautiful Monarch butterfly got caught in my windshield wiper. I pulled over, upset and sure that it was killed. As I lifted the wiper up, though, the butterfly recovered and fly away. Suddenly, I just felt it was Rich letting me know he was okay and with our Lord.

My brother, daughter, niece and cousins went sight seeing in Annapolis the day after my dad's memorial service. We went by this lovely garden and there we saw a Monarch butterfly. It moved from flower to flower but also seemed to be following us. My cousin Diane said, "I've never seen a butterfly do that before!" My brother teasingly moved to scare it away but my niece stopped him. We both took a couple of pictures.

Today, getting ready for church, I remember that butterfly and I suddenly think: could it be dad's way of saying he, too, is with our Lord and is doing just fine?

My Dad Update

I wanted to thank everyone so much for your kind words to me, I really appreciate it. I am very relieved that Billy and Heidi both got time off to come for the memorial service. I would be so upset if they weren't able to go so it's a big load off my mind. The last couple of days I've been working on getting an interpreter for my mother and my aunt and I'm also very very relieved that one will be provided. Some relatives still needed to get contacted.

I contacted Gallaudet University because my father wanted (instead of flowers) donations to go there to help Deaf students. So I got that information so Pete could get it printed on envelopes to give out at the service. That part was easy. All people would have to do is send their donation to Gallaudet University, Dept. of Development, 800 Florida Avenue NE, Washington DC 20002 and in the memo line say "in memory of Peter Scanlon" and they'll know to put it toward helping Deaf students. :)

My brother's been carrying extremely busy helping my mom make arrangements and staying with her until we can get back down to Maryland. Kristin has one more test (an ultrasound) and then off we go. My brother's really been running himself ragged these past few years. It hasn't been easy.

My dad didn't want a viewing. Truthfully, viewings are kind of gruesome. Rich didn't want one either but I did it anyway for the sake of the family. But I am glad Pete's following through with what my dad wanted. So my dad wanted to be an organ donor and then donate his body to science. So his body won't be at the memorial--it's just an empty shell now anyway. The spirit and soul that was my father is gone.

The pastor will speak and then friends and family can talk about my dad.

That's really a great idea, to me.

I don't know when I'll post again but probably not for at least a week.

"See" you then.

My Dad

TB and I are back for a couple of days. It's really been a weekend of feeling shock and roller-coastering emotions.

TB's been working to get our family room ready for my parents to move in. I was at the community college dropping paperwork off for my son and I got a message on my cell phone from my brother. I thought he said that my dad needed to go to the hospital and that I should call him as soon as possible. Now, the last time I saw my dad he was very strong. Even though he was losing most of his sight, he was strong physically and in mind. In fact, he carried a big box of books out to the van to bring back to NJ. Pete said it looked bad but I just figured he was sick or had a mild heart attack or something.

But when I got Pete on the phone, the first thing he said was "I love you" and it confused me. I said I love you too and asked what happened. He told me that my dad had been feeling unwell all week. Mom and Pete both wanted my dad to go to the doctor but he kept refusing. That's Dad. Pete said my parents were watching a baseball game on Friday and that mom thought dad had fallen asleep. He stopped, unable to go on.

All of a sudden it was dawning on me, what my brother was trying to tell me. My father was gone. It hit me like a hard fist in the stomach and I just lost it. I started crying--I just couldn't believe it. When Pete found out I was alone at the community college, he asked me to get Ted to come and pick me up. He said, don't drive, it's going to hit you again hard. Don't drive.

So I called home and got Bill. I was crying so hard, he couldn't understand me and put Ted on the phone. Ted could barely understand me either and I guess Heidi or Kristin must have picked up an extension because I heard one of them say, "Her father is dead". So Ted dropped everything and Bill drove him to the college. TB still had plaster all over his hands.

While I was waiting, I called the pastor of our church and so when TB arrived, we just went right over. Bill went on to work. Pastor said a prayer with us which was really comforting and I was calming down a lot.

We went down to MD Saturday morning and stayed until Sunday evening. We had to come back because of tests that Kristin was having Wednesday and for nerve tests & blood work for TB and me. But then we're going back Thursday. I'm going to stay with my mom for at least a week. She doesn't have a computer so unless I go to my brother's house, I'll be offline until I get back.

My mom, as anyone would expect, alternates between shock and grief. What she experienced is very similar to what happened with me and Bill when we found Rich. I know she's going to have flashbacks for a long time. I comforted her as much as possible and told her not to blame herself or feel guilty about anything. I'm also worried about her because she's so off-balance. She stands up and just about tips over. Even when she walks with support on either side of her, she has to stop frequently. She's having some initial tests after my father's memorial service and TB & I will make sure she gets good follow-up care here.

This morning I woke up early again so I posted a photo album about my dad on Facebook. I'm not done posting all the pictures. I brought a lot of them to MD and gave them to my niece to make a collage for my dad's memorial.

What's really upsetting me right now is that I want my kids to come for the service. Kristin even offered to stay with me afterward, at my mom's next week. But Billy and Heidi are hemming and hawing and saying well I can take this day off but not that...I don't know if they've talked to their supervisors. Isn't there supposed to be compassionate leave at Walmart and Shoprite? I feel like I should call the managers myself!

It's still really hard to believe.

The photo album is here.