Thursday Thirteen #64: Things I Can't Control

Thursday Thirteen

I was going to list more of my favorite songs from my teen years but decided to postpone posting it. Lately, I've had to revisit and rework that first step of twelve--this is the one that talks about powerlessness. I am completely powerless over the actions of another and my life is unmanageable when I try to control anyway. I decided it would help to list the situations I can't control.

Tomorrow we're going to Maryland. My mother needs to have someone come in and help her on a regular basis. I mean someone other than my brother who is being run ragged and wouldn't be able to do all the things a home health care aide or companion could do. My brother and I will get together first and then talk to Mom.

I can't control:

1. how she'll react to seeing me for the first time since November, just before I was hospitalized. Will she behave? Will she attack? I can only control my own reactions.

2. how she'll react to the idea of a home health care aide or nurse come into her home

3. how other family members will react to one of us not taking her back into our homes even though it just didn't work

I also can't control:

4. Bank of America Home Lending. I can't make them competent nor can I make them compassionate.

5. My kids' moods nor their motivation to do things

6. Others' parenting skills, or lack thereof

7. Whether or not a loved one follows through on advice

8. Whether or not someone gets involved in expensive scams

9. Whether or not a loved one can detach with love

10. Whether or not an adult loved one acts responsibly

And I can't control:

11. How others respond to the things I say

12. How others express their wants and needs

13. How others react to me

Every day, I try to remember and work through this step. It's got to be the hardest one of all for me.

GiST #128 (weekend edition)

I had a pretty nice weekend all things considered and weighed out!

1. I still didn't feel well enough to go see The Winter Tale but gave my ticket to Bill so he could go and enjoy it.

2. I found out Linda and her husband Jay are moving to TN in like 10 days and stayed calm. I worked my first step which is all about powerlessness. There is nothing I can do or say to convince her otherwise although I did express my view that this isn't good for Little T and probably a really bad idea for Linda and Jay. I have learned if I do more, I'll just go mad with frustration and aggravation so this is a good thing. It's called detaching with love.

Besides, Linda moving doesn't affect how often TB and I can see Little T.

I decided to play the denial game a little and not think about how another grandchild (the baby due in July) will be out of reach for us. I won't go there. Won't won't won't.

3. I felt well enough Sunday to go with TB and Little T to the large playground that just reopened in our area. I like Ft. Medford better but this one is awesome and closer! I worked muscles I haven't gone near in years and am feeling it this morning. Pain meds are good for nanas who play like six-year-olds!

4. I totally let myself be spoiled and pampered yesterday. It felt good! I enjoyed the beautiful card and gifts from the kids and TB. What a fantastic Mother's Day!

5. TB changed the oil--desperately needed--and will work on the back brakes. This is part of our plan to get to Maryland to work with my brother to get some more stuff resolved. One day at a time!

Letters I'm not mailing, GiST, and other memes

One thing my therapist is having me do is write letters to my parents. This time around, I'm not mailing them. I'd sent letters in the past to my parents, angry and detailing all the injuries they'd caused me. I didn't feel any better, mainly because they didn't react as I inwardly hoped. I sent two letters a few months apart about 20 years ago.

I realize now that I'd hoped when they received the letters, they'd come to their senses and apologize. Instead, their reaction was to write back and say something to the effect of "why are you bringing up the past?" and "we are who we are and aren't going to change." Boy, that really upset me! My therapist at the time asked mildly, "What did you expect?" Then we talked about why on earth my parents would react the way I wanted them to when they never had before!

Most recently, I felt angry with my mother for talking so negatively against my father when I was growing up. When they'd have a fight, she'd try to get my brother and me to take her side. I remember a few times saying to her, "Please don't tell me this stuff. I'm not a marriage counselor!" And she'd answer she had no one else to talk to. I felt guilty for not wanting to listen sympathetically but at the same time, I didn't want to know the things she told me and all of it made me sick.

It also gave me a skewed view of my father. I think I saw him as the bad guy and monster more because of what my mom said than anything else. When I look back and remember, my dad never did anything mean to me and he never hit or harmed me. That was my mom. Yet, I blamed him for things going wrong. My mom alienated me against my father.

Susan asked me to write a letter to both parents (separately) about that. These are letters that won't be mailed and I'm fine with that. That's what the first therapist said, too, that the letters shouldn't have to be mailed but I didn't want to listen. I wanted them to know and I wanted their reaction.

Now it's not necessary. Dad is gone and as for Mom--well, she didn't set out to damage anyone. My parents were both hurt in some way themselves and so they didn't know any better. They are and were of an age where you just didn't go get fixed because psychiatrists and therapists were for "crazy" people. It almost seems silly to write a letter that's not going to be mailed but I know it will help to get some of these feelings out. I can pretend I mailed the letter to my mom.

Grace in Small Things #124

1. I didn't have to drive anyone anywhere today! Kristin didn't have work nor did she have play rehearsal. I did take her to the bank because I felt like it and there was a charity flea market in the parking lot. Kristin picked up a couple of bargains!

2. The washing machine is still running! TB and Kristin have done a couple of loads of wash and so far, so good!

3. A thick coat of pollen is lying over everything outside but I'm indoors, windows closed and air conditioning running. I don't like running it this early in the year but it is very hot and we're saving our sinuses this way!

4. I got in a very nice nap this afternoon.

5. I found an easy recipe for chicken to try out.

Straight Out of the Camera Sunday

I posted this picture not long ago but it's definitely one of my favorites!

TB enjoys playing on the equipment with our grandson





Sunday Stealing: The Question Meme

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? Yes, married

02) What was your dream growing up? I wanted to be a writer

03) What talent do you wish you had? I'd like to be more artistic

04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Coffee

05) Favorite vegetable? Broccoli

06) What was the last book you read? The Circus Fire by Stewart O'Nan

07) What zodiac sign are you? Sagittarius

08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. Nope

09) Worst Habit? Procrastination

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Not if you were a stranger

11) What is your favorite sport? Bowling

12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Half of each

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Strike up a conversation

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? Lost my first husband

15) Tell me one weird fact about you. My fingers and thumbs are getting crooked

16) Do you have any pets? Oh brother do I ever!

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? I'd invite you in

18) What was your first impression of me? Who are you?

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Both

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I'd get rid of the excess skin

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Conscience

22) What color eyes do you have? Brown

23) Ever been arrested? No

24) Bottle or can soda? Bottle

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Go to Hawaii with TB ... well, I'd probably make sure we were all caught up first. :P

26) What's your favorite place to hang out at? Home. zzzzz

27) Do you believe in ghosts? Yes

28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Read

29) Do you swear a lot? Probably

30) Biggest pet peeve? When you have to ask someone to do something over and over and over

31) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Complex

32) Do you believe/appreciate romance? I think so?

33) Favorite and least favorite food? Favorite: Prime rib Least favorite: Liver

34) Do you believe in God? Yes

35) Will you join us this week for Wednesday Wickedness? (Bud has on a mission to make this Wednesday's most popular meme. Please play this week so I can stop promoting it.) Um, maybe? If I remember...

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Creepy :: Kooky
2. Links :: Hyper
3. Sane :: Crazy
4. Bun :: Bagel
5. Visual :: Audio
6. Remote :: Far
7. Freaking :: Far ... out
8. Curly :: Straight
9. Saga :: Tale
10. Different :: Same

What do I want to be when I grow up?

My sponsor wanted me to try and do something nice for myself every day. Some things are simple and easy, like smiling at myself in the mirror, and other things aren't so obvious at first but when I reflect back, I realize I did something nice for myself.

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be a writer. I couldn't not write. I wrote piles and piles of stories. Later on, my best friend told me I ought to be a lawyer because I was so logical and could debate so well. I felt flattered. Writer? Lawyer? Teacher? Whichever, I would need college ...

Sidetrack to tell what happened to my dreams?

Sidetrack #1: Writer's block, a result of depression and angst and, I don't know ... a lack of confidence? It kind of started when I had a kid story of mine appear in the Sunday weekly magazine of the newspaper way back when I was 8 years old. My teacher told me about it and I proudly went home to tell my mom. Mom thought I was lying. No way could I write anything well enough to go into a newspaper. I went back to school the next day, deflated, and the teacher then gave me a copy of my story--from the newspaper. Wow.

I began writing stories about a kid with a really mean and evil stepmother. My mother found my stories, read them, and screamed at me. How dare I tell everyone she was a bad mother? I said no no no no, it was a stepmother I was writing about, not her. My mom just said she could tell I meant her. I was thirteen. So what did I know about disguise? Duh. But the other thing is ... she violated my privacy. Hard to sit down and write creatively after that. That very year, Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy were assassinated, the war in Viet Nam was escalating, there were riots, there was protesting ... my stories with happy endings really seemed stupid.

As for college and lawyering or teaching, I thought we had no money for it. I didn't know from FAFSA or aid from the government. On the one hand, my parents would say they could "help" me go but on the other they made it clear what a heart rending sacrifice it would be on their part. I figured I'd better work full time for a year and help them out with the bills.

Long story short: didn't go to college. Didn't become a writer, a lawyer or a teacher. I became a clerk typist and then a secretary.

At the third job I had, I was the unit secretary for an audiologist and speech pathologist at the Maryland Rehabilitation Center. It was the best job I'd ever had except for being an interpreter. My boss was Esther, the audiologist. Stuart was the speech therapist and both of them were young, hip and totally fantastic to work for, encouraging me and treating me like I was a real person and not fingers that typed.

Esther taught me to use the audiometer and I began to do screenings of people who'd come in. It was easy-peasy. I learned which was the range of normal hearing and which signified a mild or moderate loss. I never got to test anyone other than that. People with severe or profound hearing losses underwent more tests and only Esther could do those. Esther thought I was fully capable of becoming an audiologist myself and encouraged me to try.

More psychological BS got into the way. I didn't. Instead, I became a secretary at the National Center for Law & the Deaf in Washington D.C. While I was making coffee one day, a deaf man said why on earth was I doing that when I was such a fantastic interpreter and the need for qualified people was so great? So I became a certified interpreter for over 20 years. Best. Job. Ever.

The only other one that came close was getting hired at a facility that treated a large deaf population in Baltimore. I got special training in the WIC program, learning to screen women and children at risk for malnutrition or iron deficiencies. I learned how to give blood stick tests to them, how to counsel them on basic nutritional needs and to set them up for monthly WIC benefits. I loved that job but it didn't work out because of major transportation issues. Oh well...

The point of all this is that I went to see my DVR (Division of Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor) to talk about getting help finding a job. Let's face it, it's gonna be hard for a 55 year old who's been out of work almost 10 years, who has fibromyalgia and hand injuries and whose last job earned her $50/hour. I can't even get interviewed as a teacher's aide although I have tons and tons of experience.

I was talking to her about what I thought I could do, running down the list of typing/data entry from home, counting lunch money, playground aide, classroom aide, etc. etc. etc. and she just looked at me. Then she said, but what do you want to DO? Like I have a choice? I told her about why I felt unhireable. She said they could work through all that but she's a strong supporter of training. She just wanted to focus in on what I'd like to do so they can figure out the best training or education for me.

Wow. I am so not used to this. I was all of the mind set of just needing to find a job, any job, didn't matter what, didn't matter if it was mindless or would hurt my hands. Go home and try to figure out something I wanted after all these years of putting myself at the end of the list? Yikes!

So I went home and thought about it, did a lot of online research and stuff and after some thinking and searching, I figured out and prioritized what I wanted.

There's an A.S. degree at the community college for hearing aid science--in other words, it would sort of be between what I did for Esther plus a little more. I would work with people, probably older, who would benefit from aids. I would love to do that. I need to earn 36 more credits though--18 months of school at least. Would DVR pay for that?

But ... there's the next best fit, a job I would really love. It's called "human services assistant" and it would be on a level with what I did at WIC. It could be taking applications at Social Security or the Welfare office or anywhere people go for human services. I really love working with people. I almost have an education degree (A.A.) and would just need about 15 credits.

After that would be a job I could do NOW with the right self-marketing skills: in education, a teacher's aide. I would like that too.

I realized after researching this stuff and then prioritizing my list that I was doing something really nice for myself--I was actually putting what I wanted first. It was a cool feeling.

What did I do today specifically that was nice for me? When my little guy came running in the house looking for me, throwing his arms out to me, I thought to myself: wow, you really are a good nana that this little boy runs to you in excited anticipation of seeing you and I patted myself on the back real good as I hugged him to me!

Thursday Thirteen #46: Triggers that push my buttons

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen triggers that push my buttons

1. Someone is being abused and breaks out of denial long enough to talk to me about it. She (for me, it’s only been women) recognizes what’s happening, is frustrated and sick of it and wants to escape. Shortly thereafter, everything is “fine” again until the next time.

Why it pushes my buttons: First of all, it’s frustrating to deal with the helplessness of watching someone suffer. It hurts to hear her tell of the abuse. I always want to help her get free. I’m supportive of that. I get really mad when she slips back into denial because I know it’s just a matter of time before I hear about the abuse again. This is the endless cycle that went on with my mother and I'm sure that's why I feel the way I do.

2. Trying to deal reasonably with an abuser in denial. Forget it. Can’t be done and it’s like bashing my head against a wall. Usually I’m a lot smarter than that. The most recent time was with He Who Shall Not Be Named for fear of making trouble for someone else who has to live there. Yeah. So I pointed out a simple little fact. Making breakfast and dinner for kids is a parent’s job, could be either. It’s not a mommy job or a daddy job. It’s an either job. SOMEONE has to feed the kids. Picking up and dropping off a spouse to work is also a no brainer when there is just one car. One spouse works, the other doesn’t. The other needs the car for whatever, say pick up the kids from school. So of course the working spouse needs a ride to and from. No work, no money. Support from non-working spouse to spouse comes in the form of other things, including:

a. Help with housework, especially since it seems to be expected from the host family. This type of support can be strictly supervisory when children are old enough to help
b. Defend spouse against put downs from others.
c. Encouragement & praise

Well, getting back to my point: an abuser immediately goes onto the defensive and instead of responding to the issue at hand, just begins to deflect by attacking.

Why it pushes my buttons: I’m already helpless to do anything to help my loved one or friend. I keep hoping that reason will prevail. It’s really frustrating to me (but what else should I expect?) when it doesn’t. Both my parents have or had abusive personalities.

3. Neglect or abuse of children. Let’s face it—kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world. It’s not THEIR fault that their parents got carried away in the heat of the moment or were trying to manipulate each other or wanted someone to love them forever or wanted someone to take care of them in their old age and all the other ridiculous reasons some people have kids. Children are to be cherished and nurtured. OK, so we can’t control everything in life and sometimes there is trauma. But then you get HELP and you make sure the kids get help.

Why it pushes my buttons: again, this happened to me. I always wished someone had helped me. The ones who should have were my parents but they didn’t. I always want to reach out and help kids when I know they are neglected or abused. I feel powerless when I can’t.

4. Drinking. Any kind of drinking sets me off whether it’s excessive or just one drink to be sociable.

Why it pushes my buttons: my parents had drinking problems and it made life at home a merry hell. I get very anxious being around someone who has a drink because I keep expecting the same kind of irrational, violent behavior.

5. When my kids make poor eating choices.

Why it pushes my buttons: I was super morbidly obese. I have diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, fibromyalgia, collapsed arches and arthritis all due to or aggravated by my weight. I had to have bariatric surgery to get the pounds off. The stats say that once someone is 100 lbs or more overweight, there’s a poor chance of keeping the weight off even if they manage to lose it. I’m afraid my kids are going down the same road as me. I can’t seem to convince them of that. I feel powerless.

6. Needing help.

Why it pushes my buttons: I guess it’s the old Christian work ethic. We used to provide charitable contributions and donate to food pantries. I don’t like being on the other end. I’m frustrated that I can’t get all the things I might need—like a haircut. It’s also got to do with having to depend on others. I guess the basis for that is my childhood. I feel like I had to look out for myself from a very young age and that depending on others is totally unreliable.

7. Not getting everything done.

Why it pushes my buttons: I’m very harsh with myself. I feel like a failure if I can’t get everything done in a day. When I was younger, I used to drive myself so that I could get it all done. Now I’m not able to and so the stress is harder to get rid of.

8. Procrastination. It doesn’t matter if it’s my own or someone else’s. It’s got a lot to do with #7, not getting everything done.

Why it pushes my buttons: I procrastinate because I think I won’t be able to get it done or it won’t be right. That sets me up for the harsh self-judgment I put on myself: lazy, incompetent, etc. etc.

9. Speeding and tailgating.

Why it pushes my buttons: my dad drove like this and many times I’d be in the back seat, praying and terrified, feeling trapped. It’s sort of become a gut reaction.

10. The “silent treatment”.

Why it pushes my buttons: That’s how my dad managed his anger. One time he didn’t talk to any of us for three weeks and my brother and I hadn’t even done anything. My reaction to the “silent treatment” is a lot of anxiety, sort of like fear. I also get frustrated and angry because I’m experiencing it.

11. Verbal conflict. Often my kids will say to me, “Mom, calm down, we’re not fighting, we’re just discussing.”

Why it pushes my buttons: To me, strong voices = anger = eventual violence

12. Not having a book to read when I go out of the house—I become extraordinarily anxious.

Why it pushes my buttons: I think it’s based in anxiety. Having a book when I go out is a “security blanket”. It’s not just a matter of having something to do during a long boring wait. Books protect me from the scrutiny and possible rejection of others. Often during a lunch break at work, I’d sit alone and so having a book to hide behind was invaluable. Books protected me from having to reach out to others and face rejection.

13. Driving over bridges.

Why it pushes my buttons: I get panic attacks. They are so scary! The world starts spinning and I feel like I’m going to pass out. My heart starts pounding to the point that I can hear it in my ears. I feel like something awful is going to happen and that I need to get out immediately. Well—when I’m driving a car on a bridge that’s not going to happen, is it? Being out of control like that intensifies the attack.

These are all issues that I want to work on. Some are more critical than others and I’ll focus on those first. Many of them are rooted in being powerless or not in control. Here’s the truth of it: the only power or control I have over anything is myself and my reactions to what’s going on around me. That’s what I need to work on. I cannot change the thoughts or behavior of the abuser or the abused. I cannot save every child. I can’t control what drinking people say or do. I can only change how I respond to all that. Back to work.

Grace in Small Things #26

Today I picked up Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics again. I've been reading it off and on over the last 3 weeks and that's okay. One of the important things I've been learning is that recovery is a slow process. It doesn't happen over night -- however much I'd like it to.

I'm getting better at recognizing "all or nothing" thinking, feelings and behavior. I might have rushed through this book 20 years ago and it took a lot for me to slow down and digest things more carefully. When I slow down, I can catch the thoughts and feelings easier. Like: I get all this, it makes sense, I should be able to move on now but I can't so what's wrong? *Nothing* is wrong. It's okay for this to take time.

The other day, when I was feeling stressed and trapped about doing an entry I was able to identify the old all or nothing thinking. I had to get it done in a certain way by a certain time or ... what? I'm a failure? No, not hardly!

Today I got a better understanding of "chunking". A few GiSTs ago, I'd mentioned this all or nothing thinking and how it blocked me from writing. I made a goal of writing creatively every day for a half hour. I haven't always met that goal and put a finger on the feeling--see? FAIL again. But *no*. I don't have to be perfect. Some days it's just not gonna happen because "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"--i.e. when you have a goal to write on a story a half hour a day.

So ... I'll rework the writing thing by "chunking" it. That means I'll break it down into steps. It goes like this:

1. Set the goal, which is to write a complete story. Done, yay!
2. Pick a topic. This one will be autobiographical in nature. Done, yay!
3. Make a loose outline.
4. Write memories & anecdotes
5. Put the memories/anecdotes in order so that they fit the outline
6. Flesh it out
7. Go back and read what I've got & edit it
8. Start rewriting
9. Finish rewriting it
10. Give it a title

Once I get up to 10, making sure to pat myself on the back at each step, then I can plan the next series of steps--what do I want to do next with the story? So this "chunking" accomplishes a couple of things. It helps me get to where I want to be and it helps reduce this "all perfect or all wrong" kind of thinking.

Let It Go

I've had a really nice productive day--meaning I've done things that I wanted to do. This morning I finished decorating the tree. I had a nice lunch and then took a two hour nap, which I really must have needed because I very nearly decided that we could have dinner at 8 and almost kept right on sleeping. Maybe I took such a long nap because I'd been worrying about my TB, who's been in so much extra pain since surgery.

When I got up, I thought that after I got dinner going I *should* do my Grace in Small Things post and another blog entry. Instead, though, I thought, hmmm, I think I'd rather sit in the living room with my daughter. Although she was busy on the computer, it was nice to be in the same room, occasionally talking to each other.

Okay, so after dinner I could do my GiST and blog posts.

Except ... my brother called and I really wanted to talk to him. We had a good long phone conversation and it felt so right to be able to talk to him. We've been so busy over the last few weeks, both of us either on the go all the time or rather stressed and pressed. This evening, both of us were pretty laid back and in a nice groove.

So now it was after 7 and The Amazing Race was nearly on--the finale, and I definitely wanted to watch that with TB. My son came in and joined us and cheered on the young couple that's been winning each leg of the race for weeks--Meghan and Cheyne. They won, too.

The evening's still early. I could go get in my posts except ... now I wanted to hang out with my son.

Now it's late and I started to feel stressed and pressed for the first time. I need to do my GiST at the very least ... and then a little voice said, would it be the end of the world if you didn't list five things today? Who would judge you for that ... except for you, yourself? You can go back to your list tomorrow.

Wow! What power, following that thought. Here I'm putting all this stress on myself for something that is supposed to be positive in my life. What is that but more "all or none" thinking? I have to get it all right or ... or... what? It's all coming from me. It doesn't have to be a certain way or posted at a certain time or even at all if I can't get to it!

The stress immediately dissipated.

I think I'm learning.

That's definitely a graceful moment--as was all of the things I experienced today.

And the pièce de résistance to the day: TB is feeling less pain now!

Grace in Small Things #22

Lots of graces today! Here are my five:

1. Carpal tunnel surgery went well for my TB! This time, the doctor just gave him a local and the procedure itself took 8 minutes. Of course, all the time spent was in the prep for the procedure and then the post-op stitching. He's resting comfortably right now. :)

2. I am pleased with myself that I didn't blow up when TB asked about his CPAP when we were five minutes from home. Both of us forgot it and he needs it to sleep at night so I knew I would have to drive back. The surgery center is an hour's drive one way and we'd just spent all morning there!

My first impulse was to scream and curse, exploding in frustration. That's what how I'd usually respond to such a situation. But then I had a moment of rational thought and remembered a trick. I took in a deep breath. During that split second, thought: Would anything change if I had a tantrum? No. Would anyone feel better? No. So I just said, "It is what it is." We would have to go back and having a fit about it was just a waste of energy.

We went home, ate, and then I drove back. TB went up and got his CPAP. No problem. We got home in time for dinner. Yay, me!

3. The Irish beef stew TB threw together into the crockpot this morning came out delicious! Yum!

4. My nephew made some Christmas Elf Jib Jab movies starring himself, his wife and baby boy. Oh, it was so much fun to watch! I want to try to make one!

5. On days like this, I need a belly laugh and I got one thanks to a friend who sent me a timely joke in my email. I liked it so much I posted it here.

Unplugging the Christmas Machine

I was just thinking about how deeply the commercialization of Christmas is rooted into the fabric of our society. Christmas is not supposed to be about gifts, gifts, more gifts and Santa Claus...but it is. When you have a lot of money, you don't even give a lot of thought to it. In fact, you can give to the needy too and not even think too much about the message other than, I am doing a good thing, giving these gifts so that people who can't afford gifts can give them to their families. In these economic times, more and more of us can't afford to give and give and give presents to our families...and we feel guilty. Our kids can't get all the nice things their peers are getting. Still...that's not what Christmas is about!

Another poster participating in Gifts in Small Things is taking a pledge she saw in a book called Unplug the Christmas Machine by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli. This is it:

1. To remember those people who truly need my gifts.

2. To express my love for family and friends in more direct ways than presents.

3. To rededicate myself to the spiritual growth of my family.

4. To examine my holiday activities in light of the true spirit of Christmas.

5. To initiate one act of peacemaking within my circle of family and friends.

-from Unplug the Christmas Machine , by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli

Hey, I wanna get this book! This sounds like a pledge I need to be taking!

All or nothing

Most of my recovery posts will be on my new blog Atypical Coda including my Grace in Small Things posts. I'm putting this one here, though, because it has to do with my writing. Some people know that I used to be a prolific fan fiction writer and then I just "dried up" although I felt like I had a lot more stories inside me.

Why didn't I write them? I think it's mostly got to do with this one core issues I struggle with: all or nothing. Either it's perfect (or good) or not perfect (bad). I don't seem to realize that there's a gray area in there. I don't give myself credit for trying or for writing stories that are less than perfect.

I mean, come on, no one is perfect, right?

My thinking has been like this:

That story has already been told before, better than I could tell it
No one is going to want to read this
My plot line/characters/themes suck
It's a waste of time

And so on.

When people told me over the years that they liked my stuff, I felt embarrassed. It was hard to take. It was nice to hear but I didn't believe it deep down inside. I don't mean I didn't believe these people. What I mean is, I didn't deserve the praise. I struggle with that.

I'm reading a book and taking notes about it. One of the issues covered is this "all or nothing" thinking. Here is what I need to learn and practice: writing is a process. You don't just sit down and write a perfect manuscript. You need to plan. You need to develop. You need to write and rewrite. I get mired down in the details and convince myself it's no use, it's not going to be any good anyway because I'm not skilled enough to do this. I come up with all these excuses why it's all going to fail and convince myself not to even try.

That is going to stop. I will learn how to break the whole into steps and how to nurture the ideas and let them grow. I will learn to be patient and take my time. Projects like these don't happen in 24 hours and that is OKAY. Look at the authors who take years on a work--some are great writers and some aren't. They still invest time and effort and that is worth A LOT.

So...my goal: write creatively every day, no less than a half hour a day. I'm not sure if this will be online or not. I seem to follow through more if I put things online, like my GiST posts. I can be creative either using fictional characters or autobiographical ones. I have a feeling my first piece will be more autobiographical, to get it all out. I have another fan fiction idea cooking too, a follow up to an earlier one I wrote.

Email, Facebook, Obesity Help and other forums I spend a lot of time on will have to go lower on my priority list. I have to make my recovery first priority. Part of that is the writing. I've always wanted to write and it's time to set myself free!

GiST #9 & Saturday Memes

Grace in Small Things #9

1. On the Obesity Help forum, I found a board called Fifty & Over and I feel so at home there. The people there are so warm, welcoming and friendly. It feels safe. I think this is another place that will help me, just like the GiST social group. :)

2. Today I worked on a sandbox activity with my 17 year old daughter. She sees a therapist every 2 weeks. She has bipolar disorder and depression, just like me. Today, the therapist invited me to join in. At first I felt skeptical because I'm not that artistic...well, what I mean is: I am inhibited. But as my daughter and I worked together, I began to relax and have fun.

3. I was able to say something to my daughter that moved her to give me a big hug. I've said it before but it's important to me that she knows how important she is to me. She is the "invisible" child in the house, the one who always pitches in and cooperates and never rocks the boat. The thing is, now that we are in the mess we are in I can't help her like I did with her brother and sister--helping her to buy a car, etc. Shoot, I can't even afford for her to join an inexpensive school bowling league. It just feels like there's no reward to being the "good" one. I am not saying that right. It's not fair that I can't help a really good kid like her. I wanted her to at least know how much I love her and appreciate her and I think it made her happy to hear that.

4. My grandson came over today! I haven't seen the little guy in several weeks because someone's always been sick or something. What especially made me feel good was how happy he was to see me. I love it!

5. I did not allow myself to feel guilty about anything today--not about not making the pulled pork or not buying bread or not cleaning, etc....none of it!!! Yay!

My goal today was to take it easy and I believe I accomplished that. My affirmation was to take care of myself because I matter. It felt good.







This is our sweet lab, Buddy. He is totally lovable but about as graceful as the proverbial bull in a china shop. He is loyal and loving and has a killer tail. He has a scary bark but no bite. Kosmo (our Bengal-tabby mix) thoroughly has him cowed and can chase him from a room, tail tucked between his legs. I don't get to show him off much because I'm not into doggie blogging. Here's a real cutie pie though!

Saturday 9

Talking In Your Sleep

1. Has anyone in your life talked in their sleep? Yes, my brother has talked in his sleep several times! One time, when we were teenagers, he came downstairs late one night and began rummaging around in the refrigerator's vegetable crisper. I asked him what he was doing and he said he needed his mitt, he has a baseball game to go to. When he was in the Navy, he got the other recruits really mad at him because he sat up in bed and yelled, "Attention on deck!" They all jumped out of bed and stood at attention and he laid back down. He didn't remember any of it.

2. What do you like about fall? I love the colors of the changing leaves--so beautiful! I also love the crisp cool nights and pleasant days.

3. Do you have an addictive personality? Yes

4. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you? My hubby, TB

5. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? That's really hard. My inclination is to say no.

6. Are you happy with where you are in life? Yes, I'm pretty content.

7. Do you believe that you can change someone? NO! This is something I am continuing to work on now. I have no power/ability to change anyone else, just myself.

8. Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you couldn't? Oh sure, hasn't everyone? Everyone's had crushes and teen idols and all that.

9. Would you ever fight someone over your significant other? Yes



Today Linda came for a visit with our little guy, Tomas. We haven't seen him in several weeks because we've been sick, he's been sick, Linda's been sick or had to work or blah de blah. Anyway, he came running into the house and I could hear his excited laughter. I went into the hall toward the living room and he was already running to meet me. He flung himself into my arms and mine went around him, pulling him to me. Oh, I hugged him and felt my heart just melting with the love and joy of him. I had a big grin from ear to ear!


Cheeeeeeeeeeeeze!

Bigger smile: we'll see him again Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. I wonder if it'll be too crazy at the mall to take him to see Santa? Well...maybe a nice walk at the park would be better! :)

GiST #8

Whew, I think I'm making it just under the midnight wire, LOL! I'm late with this tonight and up past my bedtime but it was worth it!

1. We just got back from seeing my niece perform in "Rent" at her college. She played the part of Maureen and what a talented young woman she is! What a voice! What facial expressions and emotion! The whole cast was really very good and I so enjoyed myself!

2. I did not let myself feel guilty today for anything.

3. It was sunny and dry instead of rainy as originally predicted! It made for a much easier drive this evening.

4. At one point I was feeling upset and frustrated and had to drive to take care of an urgent problem that suddenly cropped up. I turned on the car radio and ... Christmas music!!!! B101 started playing Christmas music and they'll be playing it from now through...I guess December 26? Anyway, I was so happy!

5. I am in "one-derland!" One-derland is a term used on Obesity Help to describe getting below 200 pounds--a major accomplishment for most of us! The last time I was there was 15 or so years ago. It was the last time the Weight Watchers program worked for me. Over the years, I'd be able to lose 30-50 pounds but then I'd always plateau and then begin to gain the weight (plus more) back. When I started to develop physical problems, I wasn't able to exercise and that compounded the problem. What saved me was weight loss surgery. It feels so good!

Thursday Thirteen #40: Things I'm grateful for II

I'm continuing this list, still using the thankful theme. Here's my list for this week. I'm grateful for:

1. My ability to think
2. My ability to feel
3. Music!
4. Cookies & cream protein mix--they make supplements bearable! :)
5. Library book sales
6. People I can turn to for advice and support
7. Goodwill stores!
8. Turkey give away deals at the grocery stores
9. Word processing--now I can keep up with my thoughts! :)
10. The orthopedic brace I wear on my foot to make walking do-able
11. Puzzles--on and offline
12. Self-cleaning ovens
13. Tupperware!

Next Thursday is Thanksgiving! Hopefully I'll have time to put up one more thankful list. :)


Click here for more Thursday Thirteens!

GiST #5

Today I am grateful for:

1. Cats on Tuesday, a meme started by Gattina. I look forward to the meme because it's so much fun, both participating and reading the other blog entries. I love seeing pictures of all the kitties!

2. Another sunny day!

3. I got of a lot of productive things done today! That felt really good!

4. Food pantries. They really help out in a pinch!

5. Warm comforters to snuggle up in.

Grace In Small Things (GiST)

Based on the recommendation of another blogger, I joined Grace In Small Things. I think that GiST will help me in my recovery because one of the challenges is to think of five positive things every day. I think I would like to do that.

These aren't small things and I'm sure I'll be thinking of those within the week. :)

Here are my five positives of the day:

1. No matter what, I have God's love

2. I am so happy to be a wife, mom, stepmom and nana. Nothing feels so good as to have a life's partner that loves me and cares for me as much as TB does. I am so grateful for my kids and grandkids as well. I have to say the connection a mother feels when she looks into the eyes of her child is an awesome thing and practically indescribable. I feel such a strong bond it about brings me to tears when I think of it.

3. I am so thankful to have a loving and supportive extended family.

4. I find strength and hope from my faith

5. My cats greet me every day. It's true that they depend on me for their food but it feels so wonderful when they come to me when I need comfort. Some of them come to me all the time, whether I have treats or not. I love it when Mouse sits half on my lap to be stroked and loved up. His fur is so soft!

My goal today: practice taking care of my needs by making a point to do my piriformis stretches twice a day. I've stretched this morning already.

Affirmation:

My spirituality is my own.
I have chosen the path I am on.
I follow that which I believe to be true.
No one can take that away from me.

From the Bible, Psalm 121:

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

That reinforces my knowledge and belief that God loves me and is always with me. If God loves me no matter what, I can't be all that bad! :)

Realizations

I talked to Susan this morning and had some realizations. I've also gone to three online ACOA chats so far and it's helping. Here's what I realized:

1. We thought moving Mom into our home was the "right" thing to do--that it was God's will. But was it really? Or was it our will and we just thought it was what God wanted? If it was God's will, why wasn't it blessed? My thoughts on that:

a. It was God's will but it didn't work out because Mom had never undergone treatment and so she'd never be any different. So any good that was supposed to happen, wouldn't because of stumbling blocks with her illness and mine--I wasn't fully recovered.

b. It wasn't really God's will after all. As well intentioned as we were, my motivation in moving my mom was to hopefully save our house (she'd kick in rent money) and to take extreme stress off my brother. But maybe God knew she was too toxic for either of us and the right thing would have been for her to find a place of her own after all, in a senior complex.

2. My mom's behavior really wasn't nice at all considering she'd come into my house as a guest/boarder. Now, I still have trouble wrapping my mind around that one. On the one hand I hoped that things would be different and would be better but on the other, what did I really expect? She is who she is and wasn't about to change. However if she hadn't been my mom and had been just a regular boarder behaving like that, we would've evicted her. Oho. That's going to take a while to process.

3. We really did "honor" my mother after all. We did what she wanted. She kept saying she wasn't happy and she wasn't comfortable and she wished she'd stayed at the trailer. So we didn't throw her out on the street. TB took her home like she wanted.

I've had another realization too that I hadn't really discussed with Susan. I tried really hard to make my mother happy. I tried to get her routine to be as much as it was at the trailer as I possibly could. I set out her silverware, cup and dishes for her. I busted my butt to get dinner ready by 5, even though we were used to eating at 6. I made sure she had desserts although we didn't normally eat them. There's more et ceteras that I won't drone on about. I just realize that I did my best. It didn't work. So it goes.

I need to stop being so hard on myself and stop beating myself up.

To that end, I need to focus on my recovery...again. I may not like it that I probably have post-traumatic stress disorder and I don't like having to deal with the same old issues all over again but ... it is what it is. There's no sense railing about it, I just need to buckle down now and do it. But I can be kind to myself and forgiving of myself while all this is going on.

I feel better about it today.

I'm also starting another anonymous recovery journal so that I don't have to drag a bunch of ugly stuff in front of everyone.

Things on my mind this morning

I've been feeling anxious on and off since yesterday morning. I worry about things, about stuff I can control and stuff I can't. I have to review and practice again things I'd learned years ago: "let go and let God" and "take it easy" among a couple of them. When I was in the hospital, I asked for a book that I could write in. It was really helpful because I noticed I could get a lot of emotion out by pressing hard with the pencil if I needed to. I brought the book home and one of my goals today is to write in it again, especially when I feel anxious. I want to go for a walk, too, because that will release endorphins to help me feel better. I wanted to go to church but TB is feeling sick and I'm not feeling strong enough to go by myself. I mean, I don't think I can handle everyone asking, "How're you all doing?" and "How's your mom?" They don't know what happened.

One thing I "forgot" especially was to put it all in God's Hands. I'm scared to drive over bridges--I have severe panic attacks. So what I've been doing to get over is to say, "God, I can't do this. Please take the wheel for me." And He does and He holds the wheel and the car goes across the bridge. I was talking to Anthony (another patient) about these negative looping thoughts we get into that just keep spiralling around and around. He was reading a book by Norman Vincent Peale and he was trying to learn from it. I asked, what do you do then? And he said, he prays. Wow, I thought. Why didn't I remember that? Just as I'd prayed to God to help me over the bridge, I could have been praying to God to help me with this. Why did I forget that or not think to apply that to this situation?

I've also forgotten to work the steps. I am one of those who fell away from working on my recovery. I'm fine, I told myself. I can deal with it all. I'd been dealing with it very well--stress and life's issues, I mean. Then BAM! This happens. Why? Well, one reason is that obviously I'm not well. I'm not fully recovered. It's a lifelong process, not something that goes away just because the issues aren't in my face anymore. Before I embarked on any of this, I should have worked the steps. One thing I've been doing since I got out of the hospital is checking out the CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) online groups. I was aware of them before but I never took the time to really focus on them.

I'm going to read and re-read. My MIL gave me a gift that will really come in handy right now. It's called Where Do I Find It In the Bible and it's a resource guide grouping topics so I can find the verses I need quickly. I also found books from the two 12-step websites that I've already requested from our library. My priority needs to be focusing on recovery.

When I used to go to ACOA meetings, the twelve steps were exactly the same as the AA steps. When I checked out the two websites, however, I saw that the steps--at least the first one--had been adapted to fit specific needs of CoDA and ACOA. I'm not sure if I more fit one or the other or both but here's the twelve from ACOA and I'm going to start working on these:

1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory
of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and
became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve
our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

ACOA has a 12 step workbook. I'd like to get that when we have a little more money. I think it would help. Meanwhile, reading the books from the library and taking notes on them and going to online meetings will help me.

I made a list of things I want to do today and I wanted to keep it manageable so I just put a couple things down there. Many are easy to accomplish: read, nap, go for a walk. Right now, I've accomplished one of my goals of the day, too--blogging how I feel. No more secrets.