A Long Time Ago

I get chills when I hear Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You" because it reminds me of what I was like as a teenager and young adult. The lyrics:

I will not make the same
mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe
side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
not only me, but everyone
around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long
before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's
weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/aV ]
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe
side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
not only me, but everyone
around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every
night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better
than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For that same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe
side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to
forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life
because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I always told myself I would not be like my mother. I didn't want to be an angry yet scared person who'd find courage in a bottle. I didn't want to feel as helpless and as hopeless as she seemed to. She'd talk to me about her problems without seeming to think about the fact that I was just sixteen. She'd tell me she had no one else to talk to and she'd tell me things about her and my father that I had no business knowing. I hated it.

Had we stayed on Long Island, I might have confided in my grandmother or in one of my cousins. Had we stayed on Long Island, things would have been a lot different. My mother and I would have had a lot more support than we had in Maryland. One of my teachers guessed that my home life wasn't ideal and she invited me to talk to her about it but I just couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to trust her. The unspoken rule in the house was there's nothing wrong with our family and don't tell anyone about it.

Some of that was due to the drinking but some of it also had to do with the fact I have deaf parents. Understanding and accepting my parents is the reason why the song doesn't apply to me anymore although the old scars remain and I'm reminded of what happened.

My parents didn't set out to mess me up or my brother. They grew up in a time when deaf children were sent away to deaf schools for most of the year. They came home only for the important holidays and seeing their parents for a short period of time a couple of times a year wasn't long enough to learn how to be parents themselves. In our societies, a family is made up of parents and children. In those days, deaf families were made up of other deaf people, friends.

Complicating matters was the fact that my grandfather was physically and verbally abusive. My mom didn't get the brunt of the verbal abuse but she sure caught a lot of the physical stuff. She remembers my grandfather slamming her head against the wall in frustration and anger. It's hard to learn to be a good role model with that stuff going on around you.

So I don't hate my parents and I'm no longer angry with them. I feel sad that we didn't have the family life I would have liked but so it goes. They love me as much as it's possible to and I feel the same way toward them.

My brother and I grew apart when he began to run with a gang (his response to what was going on in the home). He struggled with alcoholism himself and with the issues of our growing up. Now we are closer than we've been since we were teenagers.

The one line that's still true for me about this song is that I'm not making the same mistakes as my mom. I'm making plenty on my own but definitely not the ones she made. I have great kids and we have a good relationship with each other. I talk to them and tell them I love them and they do the same for me. I don't drink and I don't use my kids as confidants. I worry about them in different ways but I think they'll turn out all right.

And so it goes.