Defining Songs In My Life

I was going to do a Ten on Tuesday meme about 10 songs I hate and I'll get to that after this post. While I was thinking about the songs, I suddenly remembered those that had a big affect on me at different times in my life. I thought if I write about them it might give me some insight into what I was feeling as a kid and young adult.

I blocked a lot of feelings and memories from my 'tween years. Previous to that, I can remember being a pretty happy kid in spite of my mother's unpredictable rages. I lived on Long Island and all my family (except for one uncle) lived a short distance away. My grandmother was my hero and my protector when I was little. After we moved to Maryland, I lost that whole safety net. I've written about this before.

My parents began drinking and going to the Deaf social club. I was socially immature when I got to junior high. I was no longer a valued tomboy player of alley kickball or punch ball. I'd become everyone's goat. I was also coping with my parents' drinking, my mother's worsening rages, and becoming the family interpreter (even for things I didn't understand, like when our house was put into foreclosure). I was the one who broke the news to my parents of their parents' and siblings' deaths...three in one year.

Anyway, one day I heard this song on the radio and I was instantly riveted. It was 1966 and I was around 12. I thought, this is my song, this is how I feel. It was "I Am A Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel and these are the lyrics:

A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

I realized somewhere in my soul that I was withdrawing myself and hiding behind a wall to protect myself from rejection and anger. I'd been betrayed by kids who used to be my friends one year and turned on me the next. As for love--well, I wasn't sure that my parents loved me. I know they needed me to interpret for them but I had the feeling I was a burden otherwise.

Loving my mom was scary. When she'd get really really mad, she might hit us or tear our rooms apart. Worst of all was when she'd announce she was sick of us and walk out on my younger brother and me. My brother and I would try to block her from leaving, begging her not to go, but she always pushed us aside and left for hours. She'd return just before my father would get home from work. My brother and I were too scared to tell what she'd done.

Many things have changed over the years of course. I have friends. I have and do love. But somewhere deep inside I'm still wearing armour and there's still a fortress that no one's been in. I'm not even sure I can get in there because I can't seem to unlock the door or take the walls down!

I'll keep going with this but for now, the

10 Songs That I Hate:

These songs are from around the same time as "I Am A Rock", give or take a few years. I don't really hate them (except for the first one) but I just never cared for them.

1. Honey by Bobby Goldsboro

2. Indian Giver by the 1910 Fruit Gum Company

3. Worst That Could Ever Happen by the Brooklyn Bridge

4. Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town Today by Kenny Rogers & the First Edition

5. Little Woman by Bobby Sherman

6. Jean by Oliver

7. Sugar, Sugar by the Archies

8. Dizzy by Tommy Roe

9. Crimson and Clover by Tommy James & the Shondells

10. Hooked on a Feeling by B.J. Thomas. I have to admit, though, that I really can't stand the remake by Blue Swede--although I do like the dancing baby!