I AM, I Said!

Another song that deeply affected me and moved me to tears every time I heard it was Neil Diamond's "I Am, I Said."

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is 'lay back'
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin' about
Making my way back

Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
I you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried, but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Substitute Baltimore for L.A. and that's me, I thought.

I went for counseling for the first time when I was about 22. I told the doctor how this song made me feel and he seemed surprised that I didn't get why it made me cry when I heard it.

I think I felt invisible in my family. I don't feel like I stood out as the person I wanted to be. I was a "good girl", someone my parents could show off like a trophy. I was their interpreter. I worked. I came home, ate and watched TV. But who was me?

No one listened to me and my feelings, but wasn't I also guarding my heart? I was a sounding board and marriage counselor for my parents. My mom would say, "I have no one else to talk to." I didn't feel I could confide my feelings back to her. She'd told me years before to stop bothering her with my problems. Oh, but it was okay for her to burden to me with hers.

Once I got counseling, I didn't feel such a strong reaction to the song. Now I just remember how it made me feel.

Kristin came home from school today and told me she met an author. I can't remember the man's name. He's not really well known but has written a couple of young adult books. Kristin thought he was great, very friendly and funny. He led a poetry workshop and read some of his stuff. He invited the kids to read their work.

Kristin told me that most of the poems were so dark, focusing on sadness and feelings of anger. Hers was the only "funny" poem. Here is part of it, a parody of "The Raven".

The Tuna

Then this insanely fish smiling my mad fancy into beguiling
By the crazy mad decorum of its fishy face it wore,
Though thy scale be worn and graven, thou," I said, "art sure no raven.
Smelly slim and salty tuna swimming from the dirty shore--
Tell me what thy fishy name is on the Dirt's contaminated shore!"
Quoth the tuna, "Albacore."

I much marveled this plainly fish to hear discuss so vainly,
Though its answer no meaning -- little stupidity it bore;
for we cannot hope in seeing that no human being
Ever was blessed with seeing a fish upon his kitchen floor--
Fish or what upon the sculptured tile upon the kitchn floor,
With such name as "Albacore".

The writer loved it.

I'm so glad that my kids are able to express themselves. Yes, they have their problems, depressions and issues but they can always talk to me and I respect them for the people they are.