All or nothing

Most of my recovery posts will be on my new blog Atypical Coda including my Grace in Small Things posts. I'm putting this one here, though, because it has to do with my writing. Some people know that I used to be a prolific fan fiction writer and then I just "dried up" although I felt like I had a lot more stories inside me.

Why didn't I write them? I think it's mostly got to do with this one core issues I struggle with: all or nothing. Either it's perfect (or good) or not perfect (bad). I don't seem to realize that there's a gray area in there. I don't give myself credit for trying or for writing stories that are less than perfect.

I mean, come on, no one is perfect, right?

My thinking has been like this:

That story has already been told before, better than I could tell it
No one is going to want to read this
My plot line/characters/themes suck
It's a waste of time

And so on.

When people told me over the years that they liked my stuff, I felt embarrassed. It was hard to take. It was nice to hear but I didn't believe it deep down inside. I don't mean I didn't believe these people. What I mean is, I didn't deserve the praise. I struggle with that.

I'm reading a book and taking notes about it. One of the issues covered is this "all or nothing" thinking. Here is what I need to learn and practice: writing is a process. You don't just sit down and write a perfect manuscript. You need to plan. You need to develop. You need to write and rewrite. I get mired down in the details and convince myself it's no use, it's not going to be any good anyway because I'm not skilled enough to do this. I come up with all these excuses why it's all going to fail and convince myself not to even try.

That is going to stop. I will learn how to break the whole into steps and how to nurture the ideas and let them grow. I will learn to be patient and take my time. Projects like these don't happen in 24 hours and that is OKAY. Look at the authors who take years on a work--some are great writers and some aren't. They still invest time and effort and that is worth A LOT.

So...my goal: write creatively every day, no less than a half hour a day. I'm not sure if this will be online or not. I seem to follow through more if I put things online, like my GiST posts. I can be creative either using fictional characters or autobiographical ones. I have a feeling my first piece will be more autobiographical, to get it all out. I have another fan fiction idea cooking too, a follow up to an earlier one I wrote.

Email, Facebook, Obesity Help and other forums I spend a lot of time on will have to go lower on my priority list. I have to make my recovery first priority. Part of that is the writing. I've always wanted to write and it's time to set myself free!