GiST 3

I thought this was going to be a difficult post for me today because my day didn't start out too well. I am worried and sad about my brother. He's at risk now and I don't want anything to happen to him. I am not worried about my mother. Nothing sticks to her and she'll continue sailing along like nothing happened and all fault and blame lie elsewhere. She feels no guilt.

On the other hand, my brother and I are burdened with guilt. Today, my pastor talked about being grateful for serving God. He focused on Matthew 25, which focuses on two parables and what we can expect for being faithful in serving God. The points that Pastor Glass was making was that when Jesus returns and we all go to be with Him, we won't have any more opportunity to serve here on earth. We don't know when that time will be. Next was the point about being faithful--giving openly and being free with our "talents". The amount isn't important but the fact that we do God's work is.

Well, I started to feel guilty. I felt like I hadn't done anything, first of all. I felt like I'd wasted my "talents"--i.e., my knowledge of sign language and being an interpreter and maybe getting involved in a deaf ministry. I copped out of even pursuing that because I decided that I just couldn't handle it emotionally. Pastor was talking about what it meant to be a "wicked" servant--a person who is blaming others (specifically, God) for what's happened. The example Pastor used I could identify with: if you hadn't made that batch of cookies, I wouldn't have eaten them. If you hadn't left the money on the table, I wouldn't have picked it up. And I felt like I was just blaming my mom for not wanting to get involved with sign language anymore.

But when he started talking about the third point, the verses he focused on was that the "righteous" would get their inheritance because they'd sheltered Jesus or fed Him or clothed Him when it was needed. The righteous said something like, what are you talking about? We never did that for You. And he answered, anytime you did this for a needy person, you did it for me. So then I thought, I think I do that...but am I right to think that? And is it enough?

I was talking to TB about it and he said, yes, one of my gifts is empathy and compassion and I use it a lot. So then I thought, so I'm serving after all? I felt better.

I also feel better because now I realize something else. I grew up doing the best I could but also believing it was not enough. That's what I was told. So it's like I think whatever I do is not good enough. BUT now that I put a finger on it, I can start changing it.

So my GiST today is:


1. The sun is out after so many days of damp dreary rain!
2. I felt well enough to go to church today
3. I heard from one of my cousins, one who understands what's going on. That's a big help.
4. A friend on Facebook offered to do a book swap with me. I love to read!
5. I don't feel guilty anymore--at least, not right now. That's a step in the right direction!

My goal today is: I don't have to feel guilty. I am doing the best I can with what I have.

My affirmation today is: I'm who I'm meant to be, I'm not a mistake.