This is not an easy post for me to write but I'm not ashamed, just at a loss for words.
TB and I went voluntarily to the hospital ER Tuesday morning after I started to have an emotional breakdown at the therapist's office. I don't remember *a lot* of what happened that day. I remember saying that I wanted to break glass with my fists and I had an urge to take a broken piece of glass and cut my arms. I remember I said I didn't want to die but I wanted to escape from the pain and desperation I was feeling. I wanted to take a bottle of my valium so that I could relax and not feel what I was feeling. Susan called it passive suicidal thoughts and she's right. I don't know if I would have gone through with it because I've had these feelings before when I was a teenager and when I've felt trapped and I never did anything. Still, the situation at home was getting so bad maybe I would have acted this time.
And so Susan and Dr. Layne said I was at risk and needed to go to the ER.
I was admitted and I stayed in the psych ward until last night. TB and Bill came to pick me up. They'd just come back from returning my mom to Maryland and so I was able to go home. I felt better last night but I still feel very fragile and anxious. It doesn't help that TB spent a lot of money on stuff we didn't exactly need right now and we're so tight financially. I couldn't get my meds today because there wasn't enough money. Luckily I have enough...and it turns out some of them had already been filled on Halloween. I guess I forgot the pharmacy was holding them.
So why did I have a meltdown? Well, it's complicated. It started with mom moving here. I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought I was able to cope with all of that. Years ago, when I was married to Rich, I'd gone for counseling and to ACOA meetings. At that time my therapist said that my parents were toxic and that I needed to distance myself so I could get well. So I was distanced for 20 years while my brother was left to deal with it all. And when my dad died and I knew mom was coming to live with us, I was sure I could handle it. After all, I'd had all that counseling and years of distance and I thought I was okay.
It's really weird trying to understand all of this. On one hand, I think to myself: hey, it wasn't all that bad and mom is just a little old lady, unable to hurt anyone and she's just lost her husband. I figured she still had a lot of anger issues and it's so hard for an elderly person to lose a spouse and then get uprooted from home--even if she says that's what she wanted to do. I figured it was normal for her to be angry and resentful and to blame my brother and me for everything happening. She said we'd forced her out of her home, she wasn't comfortable with us, she wanted to be alone and not bothered with all these children nor having to share a bath and so on and so on. And she'd stay she was stuck because my brother didn't want to care for her--even though I'd explained until I was blue in the face that he *had* been taking care of her but wasn't able to run to her ever minute she wanted. She blamed my dad for almost everything and when she wasn't blaming him, she was blaming my brother. I think if I hadn't been there and my brother had, she would've blamed me for everything.
I tried to tell myself that this was just normal kvetching on the part of a bitter woman who'd lost her husband and was unable to take care of herself in her own home anymore. So I'm not understanding why I fell apart like I did, knowing all these things. I just know that her anger and hostility against my brother and my father and yes, even me, started to freak me out. She'd get "that look" on her face and go off and suddenly it was like it'd been when I was a kid and so scared of her rage. How stupid is that? I'm 55 years old for crying out loud!
And it wasn't ever going to stop. The first time it happened I let it go. The second time, I wrote her a note and said I was sorry she was so unhappy and that she ought to go back to MD since her trailer hadn't sold yet. She'd say no, she was stuck here now because she couldn't afford to go back. I didn't get that at all because she's got quite a bit of money in her account. But old people worry about that stuff, right? I wrote her that this was creating too much stress for me and she stopped, said she was sorry and "behaved" for a while. But then it began again. And she's been like that my whole life so I didn't see it would ever ever be different.
I would never be good enough, never do enough to make her happy, never make the right choices...it would always be wrong. My brother and I talked about it and he feels the same way. Nothing we do will ever be right or enough.
I wrote her another letter and I could see it was just going to be the same old thing. There were excuses and rationalizations for everything. Above all else, she maintained she couldn't go back even though she knew she'd be happier. I'd hear her door close as she'd come out to the main living area and I'd cringe, dreading having to talk to her or see her angry face. On Wednesday night, TB said he was scared because he saw me run through a gamut of emotions within a very short period of time--fear, anger, compassion and then fear again. I couldn't sit still. I scootched down in the chair so she wouldn't be able to see me if she came in. I stalked around the room in a rage. And I beat myself up for not being kinder to an old lady.
So we had an appointment with Susan Tuesday morning. It started out okay even though I felt stressed. When I started talking to Susan though, all the emotions I was feeling broke through and I couldn't shut myself up.
About smashing the glass and cutting: yes, I wanted to do it. I'd been thinking about it Wednesday night. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to escape and I felt so trapped and in such pain. I thought if I could just break the glass and cut myself I could release some of the rage and fear I was feeling. If I could just gulp the pills down my heart would stop pounding the way it was. And I just wanted to be honest when I answered Susan--she asked, "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" And this time, instead of lying and saying, no, of course not, I blurted it all out.
I heard her and Dr. Layne saying I was at risk. I heard them saying that it was toxic at my house right now and that the thing to do would be to return my mother to MD as she wanted. And so Ted did, taking Bill along to help.
When I was in the hospital, one of the nurses said to me that I had to be prepared for my mom to be mad and to tell everyone what a horrible daughter I am--that I kicked her out. Well...it won't be in my face every single day. And it's not true. My brother and I wanted her to be safe. She said she wanted to live with me, that she couldn't manage on her own. TB was having surgeries and so we needed to move her in September. Now she says we forced and rushed her, that she should have stayed there, wish she'd stayed there, etc etc and so really, we were just doing what she wanted.
That's what I'm telling myself.
Guilt is an ugly monster though. I struggle. I tell myself this but I hear a little voice whispering, you are a bad, bad daughter.
Saturday, November 7
Tuesday, November 3
Cats on Tuesday: Condo Kitty
CATS ON TUESDAY is a group of cat lovers who share pictures and/or stories about their cats once a week, hosted by Gattina.
All of the gang enjoys the kitty condo but Munchkin most of all. Whenever I come into our room, I always know that all I have to do is look over and I see her little face peeping out at me!
Want more cat blogging?
Be sure to check out Gattina's blog. Today is also Tuxie Tuesday and then there's Blogging Cat Noos for all the latest!
Monday, November 2
Meme Monday and the election blues!
I will be so glad when this election is over! For months now, we've been bombarded with Corzine vs. Christie ads. For those don't know, Jon Corzine's our current governor and Chris Christie is one of his challengers.
Jon Corzine has been, in my not so humble opinion, one of the worst governors it's been my displeasure to have to deal with. Since taking office, he's not only broken all his significant campaign promises (lowering taxes, ending corruption, bringing more jobs to NJ) he's also an arrogant jerk. He won't answer questions, he won't debate and he hasn't said word one about how he plans to address his shortcomings. He just assumes that he's going to sail in easily for his second term...and with the unions and "The Blob" (the corrupt politicians in Trenton) and diehard Democrats supporting him, it may just happen.
President Obama was here campaigning for this man yesterday and TB and I felt betrayed. I mean, I realize the president has to support Corzine because they're both Democrats but to speak so glowingly of the guy? Ugh!
We've lost our property tax rebate--all middle class home owners lost it and it hurts. We're not wealthy--why does the middle class always have to take such a hit? Property taxes have gone up so much and jobs have dried up as employers leave NJ for better locations in the south. I've read a lot about New Jerseyans moving out of state to less expensive places. Shoot, we'd move to Delaware if we could!
Corzine does nothing but sling mud in his capaign against Christie. First he started out with personal attacks, even ridiculing Christie's weight. Christie took the high road and didn't respond back. When the Christie ads did began running, the focus was on changes he could bring that would help us. Corzine's ads have become more strident and designed to inflame and scare the voters.
Enough already! I plan on voting against anyone who's in office--Corzine and whoever my district representative is. They haven't done diddly-squat! I sure will be happy when the polls close tomorrow night!
Most of the U.S. observed Daylight Savings Time yesterday. Is it easy or difficult for you to switch your body clock? Do you suffer from jet lag when traveling? It's easier for my to go to standard time (fall back) that it is to go to daylight savings (spring forward). I think my biological clock is more in tune with standard time. Daylight savings time is something that was forced on us. :P
If you had to pick one place in your town to bring a tourist, where would you go? Around here? In town? There really isn't anywhere in this town. We could go places locally, like to the state forest or to Whitesbog Village or to the beach.
When you travel away from home, do you miss it?
Not especially.
Random 10
Ten songs on my playlist from this weekend:
1. Monster Mash
2. Time Warp
3. Thriller
4. It's Magic
5. Witchy Woman
6. Werewolves of London
7. Bad Moon Rising (it was in the movie American Werewolf in London)
8. Bad Moon Rising (see above)
9. The Devil Went Down To Georgia
10. Tubular Bells
Monday Movie Meme
Share on your blog mafia movies that left their mark with you and link back here at The Bumbles.
Since The Bumbles already mentioned Good Fellas, The Untouchables and The Departed, I'll say:
The Godfather: An all time classic, this was the first "modern" mob movie I ever saw. Previously, I'd just seen things like White Heat and Scarface (the original, not the one with Al Pacino).
The Road To Perdition: This one really affected me because of what happened to Michael--all due to one boyish prank. There was a lot of suspense and a lot of pathos!
Casino wasn't as thrilling as Good Fellas but it did have two of the actors: Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci. It doesn't get any better than that!
Jon Corzine has been, in my not so humble opinion, one of the worst governors it's been my displeasure to have to deal with. Since taking office, he's not only broken all his significant campaign promises (lowering taxes, ending corruption, bringing more jobs to NJ) he's also an arrogant jerk. He won't answer questions, he won't debate and he hasn't said word one about how he plans to address his shortcomings. He just assumes that he's going to sail in easily for his second term...and with the unions and "The Blob" (the corrupt politicians in Trenton) and diehard Democrats supporting him, it may just happen.
President Obama was here campaigning for this man yesterday and TB and I felt betrayed. I mean, I realize the president has to support Corzine because they're both Democrats but to speak so glowingly of the guy? Ugh!
We've lost our property tax rebate--all middle class home owners lost it and it hurts. We're not wealthy--why does the middle class always have to take such a hit? Property taxes have gone up so much and jobs have dried up as employers leave NJ for better locations in the south. I've read a lot about New Jerseyans moving out of state to less expensive places. Shoot, we'd move to Delaware if we could!
Corzine does nothing but sling mud in his capaign against Christie. First he started out with personal attacks, even ridiculing Christie's weight. Christie took the high road and didn't respond back. When the Christie ads did began running, the focus was on changes he could bring that would help us. Corzine's ads have become more strident and designed to inflame and scare the voters.
Enough already! I plan on voting against anyone who's in office--Corzine and whoever my district representative is. They haven't done diddly-squat! I sure will be happy when the polls close tomorrow night!
Most of the U.S. observed Daylight Savings Time yesterday. Is it easy or difficult for you to switch your body clock? Do you suffer from jet lag when traveling? It's easier for my to go to standard time (fall back) that it is to go to daylight savings (spring forward). I think my biological clock is more in tune with standard time. Daylight savings time is something that was forced on us. :P
If you had to pick one place in your town to bring a tourist, where would you go? Around here? In town? There really isn't anywhere in this town. We could go places locally, like to the state forest or to Whitesbog Village or to the beach.
When you travel away from home, do you miss it?
Not especially.
Ten songs on my playlist from this weekend:
1. Monster Mash
2. Time Warp
3. Thriller
4. It's Magic
5. Witchy Woman
6. Werewolves of London
7. Bad Moon Rising (it was in the movie American Werewolf in London)
8. Bad Moon Rising (see above)
9. The Devil Went Down To Georgia
10. Tubular Bells
Monday Movie Meme
Share on your blog mafia movies that left their mark with you and link back here at The Bumbles.
Since The Bumbles already mentioned Good Fellas, The Untouchables and The Departed, I'll say:
The Godfather: An all time classic, this was the first "modern" mob movie I ever saw. Previously, I'd just seen things like White Heat and Scarface (the original, not the one with Al Pacino).
The Road To Perdition: This one really affected me because of what happened to Michael--all due to one boyish prank. There was a lot of suspense and a lot of pathos!
Casino wasn't as thrilling as Good Fellas but it did have two of the actors: Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci. It doesn't get any better than that!
Sunday, November 1
Sunday Memes
Best intentions ... TB and I were looking forward to Trunk & Treat and then I got sick. I don't have flu like Bill--or, I don't think so, because I don't have a fever--but I did wake up sick Saturday. I have a sore throat, cough, fatigue and am bringing up some mucous so we decided it would be better not to infect everyone participating at the church. We stayed home. BOR-ing! Now we have big bags of candy left over!
This morning, Mom woke up with a sore throat. Last night, she'd started coughing.
I think Bill is just about over his flu. He's still hacking but the fever's gone.
My cousin Pat lost her battle with cancer on Friday. This family has really been through the ringer in the last three months. When my father died and we came down for the memorial, I learned that Pat was dying of brain cancer. Then--big shock--my cousin Mary died. Now Pat. :( I don't think we're going to go to MD for this one, especially at the rate we're getting sick here.
I'm afraid to sign us up for anything or make any commitments. It seems like more often than not we aren't able to make it because of sickness or emergency. Heidi would think that God is getting us but I know it's not Him. If anyone is messing with us, it's the devil! Think about it--why would God try to keep us from doing good or having fun? I was reading somewhere that if you believe in God, you also must believe in the devil. I wasn't sure about that until now. It ain't God messing with us here. :P
Meme time! Go away, sad and sick thoughts!
BOO!
Sunday Stealing
Sunday Stealing: The Strange Question Meme, Part 1
1. What is the color of your toothbrush? Green & white
2. Name one person who made you smile today. TB
3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? sleeping
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? typing a post
5. What is your favorite candy bar? Snickers
6. Have you ever been to a strip club? No
7. What is the last thing you said aloud? Something like--sorry I'm in such a bad mood. I'm frustrated!
8. What is your favorite ice cream? How to choose? I like maple walnut best. I go by what appeals to me.
9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Lemon Tea Nectar protein
10. Do you like your wallet? LOL, I guess. It does what it's supposed to do!
11. What was the last thing you ate? Hoody's tropical nut crunch
12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? No, no money. :(
13. The last sporting event you watched? All the way through? Gosh ... the summer Olympics?
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Caramel
15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my daughter
16. Ever go camping? Yes
17. Do you take vitamins daily? Yes, my health now depends on my vitamin intake
18. Do you go to church every Sunday? No, but the intent is there
19. Do you have a tan? Nope
20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? Yes!
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? No
22. What did your last text message say? I don't remember the exact wording but it had to do with why my daughter wanted to know the series game score. She doesn't follow baseball. Turns out she bet her friend the Yankees would win over the Phillies. The bet was a soda if she won, a coffee if the friend won. Heidi got her soda. :)
23. What are you doing tomorrow? Recovering from this plaguey virus
24. Favorite color? Purple
25. Look to your left; what do you see? My stuffed dog and bariatric pillow
Unconscious Mutterings
I say... and you think ...
1. Hairbrush :: bathroom
2. Sneak :: hide
3. Hole :: dig
4. Horror :: movie
5. Standard :: regular
6. Mailbox :: bills
7. Attachment :: pictures
8. Type :: write
9. Nails :: fingers
10. Storage :: junk
This morning, Mom woke up with a sore throat. Last night, she'd started coughing.
I think Bill is just about over his flu. He's still hacking but the fever's gone.
My cousin Pat lost her battle with cancer on Friday. This family has really been through the ringer in the last three months. When my father died and we came down for the memorial, I learned that Pat was dying of brain cancer. Then--big shock--my cousin Mary died. Now Pat. :( I don't think we're going to go to MD for this one, especially at the rate we're getting sick here.
I'm afraid to sign us up for anything or make any commitments. It seems like more often than not we aren't able to make it because of sickness or emergency. Heidi would think that God is getting us but I know it's not Him. If anyone is messing with us, it's the devil! Think about it--why would God try to keep us from doing good or having fun? I was reading somewhere that if you believe in God, you also must believe in the devil. I wasn't sure about that until now. It ain't God messing with us here. :P
Meme time! Go away, sad and sick thoughts!
Sunday Stealing: The Strange Question Meme, Part 1
1. What is the color of your toothbrush? Green & white
2. Name one person who made you smile today. TB
3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? sleeping
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? typing a post
5. What is your favorite candy bar? Snickers
6. Have you ever been to a strip club? No
7. What is the last thing you said aloud? Something like--sorry I'm in such a bad mood. I'm frustrated!
8. What is your favorite ice cream? How to choose? I like maple walnut best. I go by what appeals to me.
9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Lemon Tea Nectar protein
10. Do you like your wallet? LOL, I guess. It does what it's supposed to do!
11. What was the last thing you ate? Hoody's tropical nut crunch
12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? No, no money. :(
13. The last sporting event you watched? All the way through? Gosh ... the summer Olympics?
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Caramel
15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my daughter
16. Ever go camping? Yes
17. Do you take vitamins daily? Yes, my health now depends on my vitamin intake
18. Do you go to church every Sunday? No, but the intent is there
19. Do you have a tan? Nope
20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? Yes!
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? No
22. What did your last text message say? I don't remember the exact wording but it had to do with why my daughter wanted to know the series game score. She doesn't follow baseball. Turns out she bet her friend the Yankees would win over the Phillies. The bet was a soda if she won, a coffee if the friend won. Heidi got her soda. :)
23. What are you doing tomorrow? Recovering from this plaguey virus
24. Favorite color? Purple
25. Look to your left; what do you see? My stuffed dog and bariatric pillow
Unconscious Mutterings
I say... and you think ...
1. Hairbrush :: bathroom
2. Sneak :: hide
3. Hole :: dig
4. Horror :: movie
5. Standard :: regular
6. Mailbox :: bills
7. Attachment :: pictures
8. Type :: write
9. Nails :: fingers
10. Storage :: junk
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