Sunday, May 2

Letters I'm not mailing, GiST, and other memes

One thing my therapist is having me do is write letters to my parents. This time around, I'm not mailing them. I'd sent letters in the past to my parents, angry and detailing all the injuries they'd caused me. I didn't feel any better, mainly because they didn't react as I inwardly hoped. I sent two letters a few months apart about 20 years ago.

I realize now that I'd hoped when they received the letters, they'd come to their senses and apologize. Instead, their reaction was to write back and say something to the effect of "why are you bringing up the past?" and "we are who we are and aren't going to change." Boy, that really upset me! My therapist at the time asked mildly, "What did you expect?" Then we talked about why on earth my parents would react the way I wanted them to when they never had before!

Most recently, I felt angry with my mother for talking so negatively against my father when I was growing up. When they'd have a fight, she'd try to get my brother and me to take her side. I remember a few times saying to her, "Please don't tell me this stuff. I'm not a marriage counselor!" And she'd answer she had no one else to talk to. I felt guilty for not wanting to listen sympathetically but at the same time, I didn't want to know the things she told me and all of it made me sick.

It also gave me a skewed view of my father. I think I saw him as the bad guy and monster more because of what my mom said than anything else. When I look back and remember, my dad never did anything mean to me and he never hit or harmed me. That was my mom. Yet, I blamed him for things going wrong. My mom alienated me against my father.

Susan asked me to write a letter to both parents (separately) about that. These are letters that won't be mailed and I'm fine with that. That's what the first therapist said, too, that the letters shouldn't have to be mailed but I didn't want to listen. I wanted them to know and I wanted their reaction.

Now it's not necessary. Dad is gone and as for Mom--well, she didn't set out to damage anyone. My parents were both hurt in some way themselves and so they didn't know any better. They are and were of an age where you just didn't go get fixed because psychiatrists and therapists were for "crazy" people. It almost seems silly to write a letter that's not going to be mailed but I know it will help to get some of these feelings out. I can pretend I mailed the letter to my mom.

Grace in Small Things #124

1. I didn't have to drive anyone anywhere today! Kristin didn't have work nor did she have play rehearsal. I did take her to the bank because I felt like it and there was a charity flea market in the parking lot. Kristin picked up a couple of bargains!

2. The washing machine is still running! TB and Kristin have done a couple of loads of wash and so far, so good!

3. A thick coat of pollen is lying over everything outside but I'm indoors, windows closed and air conditioning running. I don't like running it this early in the year but it is very hot and we're saving our sinuses this way!

4. I got in a very nice nap this afternoon.

5. I found an easy recipe for chicken to try out.

Straight Out of the Camera Sunday

I posted this picture not long ago but it's definitely one of my favorites!

TB enjoys playing on the equipment with our grandson

Sunday Stealing: The Question Meme

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? Yes, married

02) What was your dream growing up? I wanted to be a writer

03) What talent do you wish you had? I'd like to be more artistic

04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Coffee

05) Favorite vegetable? Broccoli

06) What was the last book you read? The Circus Fire by Stewart O'Nan

07) What zodiac sign are you? Sagittarius

08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. Nope

09) Worst Habit? Procrastination

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Not if you were a stranger

11) What is your favorite sport? Bowling

12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Half of each

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Strike up a conversation

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? Lost my first husband

15) Tell me one weird fact about you. My fingers and thumbs are getting crooked

16) Do you have any pets? Oh brother do I ever!

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? I'd invite you in

18) What was your first impression of me? Who are you?

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Both

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I'd get rid of the excess skin

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Conscience

22) What color eyes do you have? Brown

23) Ever been arrested? No

24) Bottle or can soda? Bottle

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Go to Hawaii with TB ... well, I'd probably make sure we were all caught up first. :P

26) What's your favorite place to hang out at? Home. zzzzz

27) Do you believe in ghosts? Yes

28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Read

29) Do you swear a lot? Probably

30) Biggest pet peeve? When you have to ask someone to do something over and over and over

31) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Complex

32) Do you believe/appreciate romance? I think so?

33) Favorite and least favorite food? Favorite: Prime rib Least favorite: Liver

34) Do you believe in God? Yes

35) Will you join us this week for Wednesday Wickedness? (Bud has on a mission to make this Wednesday's most popular meme. Please play this week so I can stop promoting it.) Um, maybe? If I remember...

Unconscious Mutterings

  1. Creepy :: Kooky
  2. Links :: Hyper
  3. Sane :: Crazy
  4. Bun :: Bagel
  5. Visual :: Audio
  6. Remote :: Far
  7. Freaking :: Far ... out
  8. Curly :: Straight
  9. Saga :: Tale
  10. Different :: Same

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