Things I'm Thinking at 4 AM

Hypochondria

I had an EMG yesterday and at first it was almost a no-go because of all the edema in my legs. The doctor suggested I talk to the primary about changing some of my meds so that I have more of a diuretic. He also wanted to know why I wasn't wearing pressure stockings.

"No one ever told me to," I said, surprised.

The doctor then proceeded to tell me where I could get them. I felt horrified. Who wears pressure stockings these days? Sick old ladies? Isn't it too hot for that...but...

Eventually, the doctor figured out how to get the EMG to work and we soon discovered that I have at least one pinched nerve. Dr. Frank was going to set me up with injections but I decided I'd rather try physical therapy first.

TB and I mentioned that we both have shin pain and Dr. Frank told us we have to be very careful about that because the skin breaks down there first. Uh, what? As in cellulitis? This guy's scaring me!

We were talking about our weight loss surgery plans and Dr. Frank had just got done talking about these pressure stockings when he looked at me and asked if I'd ever had any heart studies done. "Uh, no," I said.

"Why not?" he wanted to know.

"Do you think I should? Do you think I'm getting heart failure?" I blurted. All I could think about now was Rich and how I'm having a lot of the same issues he had.

"No, no," Dr. Frank said. "But you're having surgery and you need to have these studies done."

I almost said, I don't want to know. I really don't. It's scaring me. I keep thinking about Rich, especially since the tests Dr. Frank is talking about are the same Rich had: echocardiogram, stress test...I'm afraid they'll find something wrong. Ignorance is bliss, you know? Still...

Borderline Personality Disorder

I've talked to two different therapists about my stepdaughter Linda and about all the problems we've had and so on. One came right out and said it sounded like she had borderline personality disorder.

My Everyday Health newsletter just came into my mailbox and says this about it:

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by poor self-image, great difficulty coping with loneliness and feeling empty. People with this disorder have unstable relationships, highly reactive and intense moods, and impulsive behavior. ...

Personality disorders probably are caused by both environmental and biological factors. Some researchers have suggested that borderline personality disorder springs from an abusive or neglectful childhood. ...

Three times as many women as men are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It occurs in about 2% of the population in the United States.

Two percent...that's not a lot. There's no way to prevent it and it's a lifelong condition.

Does Linda have borderline personality disorder? Sometimes I think yes, sometimes now.

My therapist right now, Susan, is careful not to make a diagnosis because she's never met Linda. However, she did say to think of Linda's actions as a certain "cluster of behaviors" which includes "the end justifies the means" and a marked lack of empathy for others.

TB got a series of books about charmers and people who use emotional blackmail. We each took one to read. Mine is called Charmers & Con Artists & Their Flip Side by Sandra Scott.

It didn't take long to encounter some very famliar behaviors:

Linda's got a feeling of entitlement to things because she needs them or wants them

There is

conscience distortion.

Self centered, uses others

Distorted empathy

Lack of remorse

Lack of repentance

Manipulative

The manipulation is so clear. Tomas is the ace in the hole, the reason why she'll always have a roof over her head and someone to bail her out.

Linda's burned so many bridges and yet she's got this innocent "I don't know why that happened" kind of attitude. How are things supposed to change if you're in denial about it? It also seems that once someone has served their purpose, she moves on and doesn't look back--not een to maintain relationships.

The book talks about how a person like this will suck you dry, vacuum the soul right out of you. They make it look like any falling out is your fault and that they are the injured party.

Boy is that ever true! TB and I were emotionally exhausted and felt drained, as if by vampires. And the family--TB's mother at least--is mad at us for what we "did to Linda."

Gimme a break.

Whappers and Beggars

I haven't had a cat with a zeal for whapping in a long long time. Cubby's more than making up for it. He jumps on my desk and anything that comes into his limited vision is game. He whaps things away: my medicines, my pens, pencils, bandaids, books, and figurines. It's cute but it's also annoying.

What is up with finicky eaters? I've tried all combinations of cat foods, dry and wet, and have discovered they seem to like the Blue Brand and Fancy Feast most. These are not cheap brands either and for those of us eating lots of hot dogs and hamburgers, it's kind of annoying when the gang turns their noses up.

For they do. When I put the dry food down, they beg for the canned. When I put the canned food down, they pick at it and then beg for the dry stuff. I tried a compromise: Fancy Feast in the morning and dry food at night. Then I'm awakened by various gang members whapping parts of my face to wake up NOW and feed them.

Between the stress, the pain and the whapping it's hard to get much sleep around here. :P