Thirteen Ways to Happiness & Wishin' and Hopin' by Wally Lamb

I was going to write about this study I read about the other day. Children that grow up in homes with violence end up with the same types of brain responses as soldiers in a war environment. I remember my therapist told me about that and I sort of believed it but was also skeptical. How could I compare what happened to me to that of a soldier in combat? Well...there it was, all true. The thing is, I also didn't want to write about it. It depressed me.

I liked this article much better and it fit in nicely with the Thursday Thirteen theme. See, I waver between feeling up and positive to feeling depressed and negative. It's a battle to stay upbeat but I find if I can do it a couple of days in a row, I can get a momentum going and keep at least an even keel for a while.

The article talks about what happy people do differently to stay happy. There was a list of 12 things and then I added one:

Thirteen Ways to Happiness

1. "Express Gratitude". Even if the only thing you can say is you have a roof over your head and food in your belly, this helps. I think about the things I do have when times are rough--like now, with the spending Christmas season. Things could be a lot worse.

2. "Cultivate Optimism". This is something my therapist was trying out with me. It involves saying things like, things aren't going so well but they can get better.
Or they will get better.

3. "Avoid over-thinking and social comparison". In other words, instead of worrying about the Joneses' just focus on yourself. So I'll just not concern myself with all the lights and decorations everyone else seems to have.

4. "Practice acts of kindness." This is a good one. I've done lots of these and it really is true--it gets that feel-good serotonin flowing.

5. "Nurture social relationships." This is a little harder for me to practice except on the internet. I never did make any friendships here in NJ mostly because it just seems like I have to say good bye to people I've made close friends with in the two states I lived in before, MD and NY. I try to attend to my internet friendships though. I've found some of my closest friends online.

6. "Develop strategies for coping". Ah, well, this is a skill I learned as a child when there were all sorts of crisis and chaos going on around me. I would come up with a Plan A, B, C, D, and E. If one failed, I'd turn to another.

7. "Learn to forgive". That's come with age. It's not something I could do when I was younger and filled with righteous anger. Over the years, the anger's tempered and I've learned a lot about how people behave and think.

8. "Increase flow experiences". Well, that's something I need to work on. I can get into the flow when I'm writing but haven't been able to focus recently. If I developed a hobby I enjoyed I could get into the flow too.

9. "Savor life's joys". Ah, yes, like spending the day with Little T or watching a snowstorm from the safety of my home or the sun coming up over the ocean.

10. "Commit to your goals". This is another one I need to work on. I feel adrift because I don't really have any goals other than getting through each and every day.

11. "Practice Spirituality". We do that, praying several times a day.

12. "Take Care of Your Body." I could improve in this area. I could exercise more regularly and watch what I eat. I could make sure I get to doctors for regular check-ups and preventative tests like mammograms and stuff.

13. Keep your sense of humor. This my own addition. I think if I didn't have a sense of humor (albeit a dark one sometimes) I would have lost my mind already. When I laugh, I feel those feel-good endorphins flowing around.

Last night, I finished reading a book called Wishin and Hopin by Wally Lamb, one of my favorite authors. The book was funny and sweet, focusing on 10 year old Felix Funicello, his family, friends, and school teachers. I saw it marketed in the book club as a Christmas book. I wouldn't have called it that although Christmas is in it. So are Halloween and Thanksgiving. It's more a coming of age story and Felix reminded me of Ralphie, the kid from A Christmas Story. I also got a kick out of the book because it was like a walk down memory lane--the way people dressed and talked, the TV shows they watched, and how simple everything used to be. Families ate together instead of apart. It was a fast, entertaining read and I'm glad to add it to my Wally Lamb collection!

First aid for a baby bird and other stuff

What do you do when a baby bird flies into your window and crashes to the ground? TB picked the poor little guy up and cradled it in his hands. We didn't know how badly the little guy was hurt and hoped it was just stunned. I found a box and we put a little water, birdseed, and some leaves into the box. TB gently put the bird down and it just did not want to let go of his finger, poor little thing!

We had to go out for a doctor's appointment. When we got back, we checked the box and it was empty. It looks like our little patient was just stunned and needed to rest before flying away! :)

We went to Good Will the other day for sheets. We were hoping to avoid buying new queen sheets just for this craft show. Good Will has everything and is a godsend for people in need. I like shopping there and don't mind the inconvenience of going through each piece of clothing to find my size. It's worth it! They also have everything from socks to bedroom sets and more. Anyway, we didn't find queen size sheets but we did find a set of three. I think they're full size but can be pieced together to make the size we need. It cost us only $6.99!

TB's been working almost around the clock to get ready for the craft show. I took a couple of pictures of the smaller items he's made and will bring.

My favorite is the mouse with cheese. TB took better pictures of his creations because he used a white backdrop. I plan on getting more pictures of the other projects the day of the craft show.

Yet again, I will need to call Medicare. TB and I want to compare health plans and hopefully go with one that has vision and dental. There are two in our area and when I discussed them with a Medicare agent named Jose they both seemed pretty good. He told me the monthly premium would be $84 for one and $89 for the other. I got a comparison report on those two companies from Medicare and was completely confused by the price breakdown. There were about a dozen breakdowns in different categories. Was I supposed to add them up? The report said the monthly premiums would be about $115 a month. What happened to the costs Jose gave me? So that is what I need to ask Medicare. What is the *real* monthly premium?

After that, we need to figure out if our doctors participate. In some cases, like with Dr. Greenbaum our bariatric surgeon, we're not going to want to switch to a stranger. Next, we have to figure out the cost of co-pays. Right now, we have no co-pay. If we switched, we'd save around $200 a month (I think) but then we'd have to figure how many times we see a specialist in a month. The specialist co-pay is $25 or $35. I think I would need a specialist once a month as long as I'm healthy. Switching might be a good option for me if it means I can get dental and vision.

Today I'm calling our doctors to see if they participate in either of these two plans. It's especially important for TB that they do!

This week I'll be thinking about whether I want to push off PTSD therapy to the new year. Susan, my therapist, insists that digging around in all these memories is supposed to dredge up all these feelings and reactions. That I've not reacted with strong emotion nor cried tells her that I'm resisting and using my defenses to stay away from painful memories.

I'm sure she's right because most of the painful stuff either feels like it's in a block of ice in the freezer or in a box stuffed into the back of a closet.

Well. Maybe what I should decide is whether it's worth trying to tackle all that PTSD stuff period. It took me over 50 years to build these walls and defenses and I don't think much will change in a 12 week program. So, I'm thinking...

And while I'm thinking, I've decided I like the Black Friday movement to boycott all but the independent businesses and stores for Christmas shopping. Big name brand stores make tons of money and don't treat their employees well. I suppose the little independents treat their employees similarly which makes me mad but I think I'd rather support them than the big chain stores who could afford to behave better toward their workers. Maybe what I'll do is just boycott everybody and make my own gifts!

On Facebook, I share pictures that resonate with me. Today there was one that pissed me off. It listed the outrageous salaries the president and members of congress earn *for the rest of their lives* and then lists the average social security salary of a senior as $12,000. And it's some of these senators and congresspersons who want to mess with social security and medicare. You'd never see them say anything about reducing *their* forever salaries!

Moving out?

I had a long talk with Heidi around lunch time. We met at Burger King (neutral ground) to talk about what's going on. I hadn't seen her since she went slamming out of here on Saturday.

Meanwhile, TB and I had come up with a contract for the adult kids living here that basically stated what we expected in terms of behavior, room & board, and chores and we emphasized throughout that verbal abuse would not be tolerated. Anticipating that Heidi would still be living here, we added in her contract that we'd contact crisis intervention and the police if things got out of control. We made up one agreement for Billy and one for Heidi so that she wouldn't feel like we were singling her out.

I don't think now she plans to come back. Right now she is staying with her friend Marianne and she may have a good deal going. She told me that the parents haven't asked her for rent money and said she could stay with them as long as she needed to. So...why would she come back knowing she'd need to pay us room & board *and* do dishes besides?

She is putting a lot of the blame on TB and taking very little of the responsibility for herself although she says she is "better" now that she is "not getting yelled at all the time." She didn't react when I said that her anger and tantrums scared us and stressed us out and that on Mondays and Wednesdays (her dish nights) I just want to hide under the bed.

I feel sad and glad at the same time. I do miss her but I don't miss the bad behavior. I love her but not the screaming, cursing and name calling.

She wanted to make sure she was still welcome at home if she wanted to visit and I said, of course.

She doesn't want to decide one way or the other yet. She knows if she moves out she will have to get her own car insurance and phone. If she's not going to be charged anything she'll be able to afford it on what she makes. If she does decide to move back, she knows she'll have a contract to follow.

I have very mixed feelings. I want her to be happy.

More Depressing Stuff

None of us have been feeling so great this weekend. I lost my voice on Thursday and have been feeling kind of pukey since. Yesterday, Billy had some kind of virus and was sick to his stomach to the point where he called out of work. He hung out in the family room, just relaxing, sipping fluids and trying not to puke.

Heidi came home from work around 9. I knew she wanted to have her friend Marianne come over and I hadn't really thought about Billy being sick in the family room. He was watching a movie that would end at ten and Heidi began yelling at him and telling him he'd been in the family room long enough and it was time to go upstairs. Even Kristin was chiming in on that (although not as loudly).

I told Heidi to stop that. Billy lives here too, he's sick and she shouldn't be telling him to get out of the family room. Billy said he just wanted to watch until the end of his movie and then he'd go upstairs. That wasn't good enough for Heidi so then TB and I said she should go to Marianne's instead.

As she stormed upstairs for something, Heidi was muttering (loud enough for us to hear) that she "fucking hated" us. TB goes, "I heard that, you can't talk that way to us! You can stay upstairs."

Heidi goes, "What? I don't have to listen to you--I'm going out."

And TB goes, "Good--stay out!"

More cursing, slamming of doors and then Heidi goes out the front door. I hear the garbage pails outside sailing around and suddenly she comes in the back door into the family room and starts attacking Billy again, with Kristin joining in again.

I yell at her to get out, go to Marianne's. She yells she's here for a movie but does go slamming out and leaves.

TB is saying to me, I can't stand this anymore.

I'm shaking.

Kristin goes upstairs crying saying she's mad at Billy.

For crying out loud!!!

We finished watching our movie and then I realized I'd gotten two cell phone text messages from Heidi, one that says she thinks about killing herself everyday but I'm too busy worrying about TB to notice and the other that she misses talking to me.

I texted her back right away but get no answer. Then I try calling her phone--and Marianne's...still no answer. I told TB about the messages and he suggested I call intervention--which is probably what we should have done in the first place but everything happened so damn fast!

They can't do anything because we don't know where Heidi is. They suggest I keep trying to get ahold of Heidi and find out her frame of mind.

So I call and call and finally Marianne answers the phone and I ask if Heidi is there. She is and I ask to speak to her. She's very upset but has calmed down and doesn't seem to be suicidal (although she does say she thinks about it). She says she's staying over with Marianne and will probably be there all day Sunday because she "just can't deal with Ted."

It's always someone else's fault. I feel like crying because she desperately needs help and I don't know what to do anymore.

Update

So yesterday I went to my therapist and she showed me the letter she's sending to Dr. Greenbaum. Everything looks cool so she's mailing it out and he should have it within a few days. Then I'll be calling Tina to schedule a surgery date. Wow! It seems unreal but yet exciting!

The other thing the therapist and I discussed was how to get my mind wrapped around dealing with my Heidi effectively. We had another incident where she came in and nearly ruined Kristin's birthday party with her bullying and complaining.

Heidi came in from work around 9 and Kristin's party was going along very nicely in the family room. Heidi'd invited her friend Marianne over and the two of them went into the room. The other kids started setting up DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and I heard Heidi go off, "Oh no you are NOT playing that game now!" She complained quite loudly about it being a "boring" game and why hadn't they played it earlier?

So I called her out of there and she said, exasperated, that Kristin told her they wouldn't be playing that game when she came home. I said, but it's HER party and she can't schedule what's going to happen when. Heidi was taking the view that they put the game on now just because they knew it would aggravate her. I could not make her see that she was being unreasonable. She and Marianne watched TV with me for a while and then they decided to go out to Wawa.

After the guests left, the girls had a shouting match and Kristin was in tears. Heidi said this was all Kristin's fault for not warning her so that she could go to Marianne's house instead.

Isn't this totally unreasonable?

I should have called for intervention but I didn't. After everything I witnessed as a child, this didn't seem like a police matter...but maybe it was. The therapist thinks that when a crisis like that comes up I go emotionally frozen--that seems to be exactly what happens. So I asked TB to call crisis intervention next time as soon as he sees the need for it since I'm not good at recognizing these things.

TB and I need to come up with a contract Heidi has to follow with consequences if she breaks the rules. Three strikes and she has to leave. TB sent me some articles about adult children living at home as well as an example contract. I really liked the example and it occurred to me that we could have Bill sign one too to lessen Heidi's negative reaction to it (I am sure she's going to blow up and scream).

My therapist got me to recognize a couple of things. Heidi's behavior towards us is like that of a raging alcoholic. I am just as bullied into trying to smooth things over as I was when it was my mother raging around the house. On Monday, I emptied the dishwasher and did all the dishes in spite of the fact it was Heidi's day simply because I couldn't deal with her screaming and tantruming about how much she hates that chore!

I have to have the strength to do this and not keep sacrificing the emotional health of the other four of us in the house. It seems all my life issues continue to come up and bite my in the ass and it hurts so much more because Heidi is my own baby. I feel so blue.

What a nightmare

Some days watching Little T goes very smoothly for us and some days are difficult. Today was just awful and I'm in tears. Linda was supposed to have visitation with the little guy from 4-7 but she never called and never showed up. The other night a Manchester County detective was looking for her, to ask her some questions. Hmmm.

I don't think Little T knew his mother was supposed to come. She is so unreliable that I don't tell him anything until she's there. When we got in the door from picking him up at school, he wanted to play in the family room with the dog. Well, the dog goes bonkers and gets out of control so we usually go outside for that except it was way too cold today and Little T was just over a virus. The dog got to barking and acting wild so we put him out in the yard and that's when the trouble started.

T kept trying to open the door to let the dog back in. We said no and when he got it that we weren't kidding, he threw himself on the ground and began kicking--the door, the floor and anyone who got in the way.

Little T does have some pervasive behavior issues--they occur everywhere and with everyone so I know we weren't singled out. There are times when he just won't give in and listen. He wants what he wants and he wants it NOW and nothing will deter him. While he had this particular tantrum we just moved him away from the door and everyone got clear of him and we waited for him to calm down and start playing happily with his toys as he usually does but he wouldn't.

He got up and began messing with the entertainment center's glass doors, swinging them back and forth or kicking at them. I told him to stop or he'd have to sit on the naughty step and he just ignored me. If I'd been alone, I would have been screwed because he is too strong for me to handle. As it was, Kristin had to wrap her arms around him to keep him from getting back to the entertainment center and trying to break it. He was flailing out with his arms and legs and could have hurt someone or himself.

After four minutes, he'd calmed down so I went to him and said, we put you on the naughty step because you wouldn't listen. I need you to say you're sorry. And he said, NO. And tried to go right back to the entertainment center.

I'm too old for this. I called Kennan, explained what happened and that Linda never showed up. He said he was sick and was sending his mother to get T. So for the next 40 minutes, we had more of the same and I was exhausted and near tears. Then all of a sudden, the sun came out, he was sorry and went into the living room to play with his V-tech and game.

About 5 minutes later, Kennan's mom showed up. We commiserated another few minutes about the difficulties both of us were having as well as T's aunt, his teacher, and even his father. The teacher mentioned calling in a behaviorist for a consult and I mentioned to Vicky that this would be a good idea because T is getting bigger and stronger every day.

Now it was time for T to go home and at first I thought he was going to pitch another fit but he got his coat and hat on willingly and I thought the storm was over. Then he signed 'milk' and ran into the kitchen. Looking back, I should have just given him a cup to take in the car. That's not the way we went, though. Vicky said she'd give him milk at home and I said I would give him milk tomorrow. He stood with his foot blocking the fridge door from closing and wouldn't budge.

The whole thing started all over again. He collapsed to the floor, wouldn't get up, wouldn't have anything to do with leaving. Vicky called Kennan on the phone and he talked sternly to T to no avail. Then we decided that Bill would just have to pick T up and carry him to the truck. At that point, T decided to take the dignified way out and walk on his own two feet.

I am so drained. I'm aware that behavior issues like these can be co-morbid with PDD-NOS but I really don't know how to handle it at this point. I don't want to put Kennan in a tough spot by saying I can't watch T every day anymore but I need strategies and I just don't know what to do. :(

Earlier in the afternoon I had my appointment with the pulmonologist to clear me for surgery. TB came along with me. I really liked this guy. He was very thorough and ordered a stress test for me. I have to go back later in January for the test and it's two parts because of my weight. :P I tell you, that will be a piece of cake compared to today. I bet they'd have gotten a better read of my heart under stress today!

I still haven't decided which surgery yet to choose. More on my confusion another time.

Blog Talkers: Mother's Day

Blog Talkers Talk #73

It’s time to share …

What did you do for Mother’s Day? How was your day special? If you’re not a mom, how did you make your mom (or wife’s) day special? In your opinion, what is the most important aspect of being a mother? What is the best thing about YOUR mom? (Post pictures, if you have them!)

I'm really glad to see this question because of how weird everything was last weekend. It had to be one of the most unusual mother's days I've had, the only topper being the one where I had Billy on a mother's day. That was a wonderful, memorable one. This most recent one seems to be a bunch of moments all pushed together in a hurried mess.

TB was in the hospital so it was a little difficult to celebrate without him. I wanted to be with him and so Kristin, Billy and I went to visit him for about an hour and it felt too short and rushed. There was a man in the other bed and that made things very uncomfortable. I guess it was better that we left when we did because who showed up after us but Gram and Linda, wanting to play the guilt-and-poor-Linda-has-changed game. I'm glad we weren't there for that. That part of the day left me feeling very unsettled and uncomfortable.

Heidi and Billy both had to work and although Kristin was willing to make dinner, it was just easier for me to do it. Heidi had been bringing home plants all week so the table was covered with an African violet, geranium, and a miniature rose. I love those.

I think I watched a movie with Kristin but I can't be sure.

One thing I do know for sure: in the morning, the kids and I went out to breakfast together. Billy treated and we had a very nice meal at Anapa's. The place was overrun and very busy but we just chilled and enjoyed each other's company. I had to think a minute. I believe that was the second time I've had Mother's Day breakfast with just the kids....the first was after Rich died. Spending time with the kids that morning was the most special part of the day for me; the rest was basically a blur.

The most important part of being a mother, to me, is raising your children to be happy, responsible adults and then letting them go. I would love to have the kids with me always but that just isn't the natural order of things. The best thing my mother did for me was to let me go.

Here we are.

Things I'm Thinking at 4 AM

Hypochondria

I had an EMG yesterday and at first it was almost a no-go because of all the edema in my legs. The doctor suggested I talk to the primary about changing some of my meds so that I have more of a diuretic. He also wanted to know why I wasn't wearing pressure stockings.

"No one ever told me to," I said, surprised.

The doctor then proceeded to tell me where I could get them. I felt horrified. Who wears pressure stockings these days? Sick old ladies? Isn't it too hot for that...but...

Eventually, the doctor figured out how to get the EMG to work and we soon discovered that I have at least one pinched nerve. Dr. Frank was going to set me up with injections but I decided I'd rather try physical therapy first.

TB and I mentioned that we both have shin pain and Dr. Frank told us we have to be very careful about that because the skin breaks down there first. Uh, what? As in cellulitis? This guy's scaring me!

We were talking about our weight loss surgery plans and Dr. Frank had just got done talking about these pressure stockings when he looked at me and asked if I'd ever had any heart studies done. "Uh, no," I said.

"Why not?" he wanted to know.

"Do you think I should? Do you think I'm getting heart failure?" I blurted. All I could think about now was Rich and how I'm having a lot of the same issues he had.

"No, no," Dr. Frank said. "But you're having surgery and you need to have these studies done."

I almost said, I don't want to know. I really don't. It's scaring me. I keep thinking about Rich, especially since the tests Dr. Frank is talking about are the same Rich had: echocardiogram, stress test...I'm afraid they'll find something wrong. Ignorance is bliss, you know? Still...

Borderline Personality Disorder

I've talked to two different therapists about my stepdaughter Linda and about all the problems we've had and so on. One came right out and said it sounded like she had borderline personality disorder.

My Everyday Health newsletter just came into my mailbox and says this about it:

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by poor self-image, great difficulty coping with loneliness and feeling empty. People with this disorder have unstable relationships, highly reactive and intense moods, and impulsive behavior. ...

Personality disorders probably are caused by both environmental and biological factors. Some researchers have suggested that borderline personality disorder springs from an abusive or neglectful childhood. ...

Three times as many women as men are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It occurs in about 2% of the population in the United States.

Two percent...that's not a lot. There's no way to prevent it and it's a lifelong condition.

Does Linda have borderline personality disorder? Sometimes I think yes, sometimes now.

My therapist right now, Susan, is careful not to make a diagnosis because she's never met Linda. However, she did say to think of Linda's actions as a certain "cluster of behaviors" which includes "the end justifies the means" and a marked lack of empathy for others.

TB got a series of books about charmers and people who use emotional blackmail. We each took one to read. Mine is called Charmers & Con Artists & Their Flip Side by Sandra Scott.

It didn't take long to encounter some very famliar behaviors:

Linda's got a feeling of entitlement to things because she needs them or wants them

There is

conscience distortion.

Self centered, uses others

Distorted empathy

Lack of remorse

Lack of repentance

Manipulative

The manipulation is so clear. Tomas is the ace in the hole, the reason why she'll always have a roof over her head and someone to bail her out.

Linda's burned so many bridges and yet she's got this innocent "I don't know why that happened" kind of attitude. How are things supposed to change if you're in denial about it? It also seems that once someone has served their purpose, she moves on and doesn't look back--not een to maintain relationships.

The book talks about how a person like this will suck you dry, vacuum the soul right out of you. They make it look like any falling out is your fault and that they are the injured party.

Boy is that ever true! TB and I were emotionally exhausted and felt drained, as if by vampires. And the family--TB's mother at least--is mad at us for what we "did to Linda."

Gimme a break.

Whappers and Beggars

I haven't had a cat with a zeal for whapping in a long long time. Cubby's more than making up for it. He jumps on my desk and anything that comes into his limited vision is game. He whaps things away: my medicines, my pens, pencils, bandaids, books, and figurines. It's cute but it's also annoying.

What is up with finicky eaters? I've tried all combinations of cat foods, dry and wet, and have discovered they seem to like the Blue Brand and Fancy Feast most. These are not cheap brands either and for those of us eating lots of hot dogs and hamburgers, it's kind of annoying when the gang turns their noses up.

For they do. When I put the dry food down, they beg for the canned. When I put the canned food down, they pick at it and then beg for the dry stuff. I tried a compromise: Fancy Feast in the morning and dry food at night. Then I'm awakened by various gang members whapping parts of my face to wake up NOW and feed them.

Between the stress, the pain and the whapping it's hard to get much sleep around here. :P

What's Going On With Us...

From time to time, I just like to post an update mostly for the friends who follow my blog. I'm a terrible correspondent.

T.B.: His prescribed medication, opana, isn't working well for his pain anymore. We had one visit back to the pain management doctor after that third epidural and, unfortunately, TB needs surgery. Before, that though, he will have to lose weight. We both have an appointment to consult with a bariatric surgeon on Wednesday.

No, it doesn't mean we're getting gastric bypasses! The only type of surgery I'll consider is the lap band. TB, however, is more willingly to look at the bypass because there would be a quicker weight loss. He just would like to get relief from the agony he's in.

TB still isn't able to work and we're treading water but thanks be to God, we have not gone under.

Me: Recently, my CPAP pressure got bumped up and although I hoped that would make my insomnia go away it didn't happen. I wake up in pain several times so either that is overcoming the pressure OR the pressure isn't high enough. The CPAP tech says that the right pressure is supposed to be enough to practically put you into a coma. I have a lot of day time sleepiness, especially in the morning, but that might also be due to Abilify, a medication prescribed to reduce my manic-ness.

Kristin: We got the results back from her sleep study and thank God she does not have sleep apnea nor narcolepsy nor restless leg syndrome. What she does have is a problem falling asleep and staying asleep that might be due to behavior, anticipated insomnia. The doctor wants her to try a light box and says she must work on getting 8 hours of sleep. That means a bedtime of ten. So TB, the doctor and I are not on the list of Kristin's favorite people. So it goes.

The adult kids: Same old same old

Little T: He's regressed a little in some behaviors but is improved in others, like his signing. His new thing is to run from us and try to get us to chase him. That's okay for fun and games but not when he suddenly darts into the street or runs from his teachers!

Here's a recent picture from school. "Smile, Tomas." This is the result.



Grandchildren in TN: We might be getting for them for part, some or all of the summer, oh, boy! We're hoping it happens and are lookikng forward to it!

Except for the news about the grandchildren, you might think we are all sad and unhappy but that's not true. Things could be a whole lot worse. This is a concept I'm trying to get across to my pessimistic daughter. I got an article about 5 steps to becoming a happier person and plan to send it to her. I thought I'd share some of what I learned though. Much of it was common sense and there were several links to other websites to read through.

Whether or not you feel happy depends on a couple of things. One is--are you happy with your life? It's not just your job or your spouse, there are other things involved. Do you have supportive friends? Are you nourished spiritually? Do you volunteer in the community?

Features that promote happiness if you are positive about them:

* Health
* Self-Esteem
* Goals, Values and Spiritual Life
* Money
* Work
* Play
* Learning
* Creativity
* Helping
* Love
* Friends
* Children
* Relatives
* Home
* Neighborhood
* Community

Another (and to me, more important) factor in happiness is your own attitude. Do you feel that although things are going wrong, they'll eventually become better? Do you think that no matter what you do, things will always be bad?

Here's a link to a happiness quiz.

I took the quiz and these are my results. The lifestyle issues are my health and my finances for the most part:

Your Score: It appears that 10 answers out of 16 questions, or 62 percent of your answers show lifestyle features that promote happiness. If there are areas of your life that you would like to change in order to promote increased happiness, there are resources (above) corresponding to each question on the test.

It looks like your lifestyle may be seriously impeding your level of happiness. The good news is that there are many changes you could make to bring more happiness and life satisfaction.

I can make changes.

And if you tend to be a pessimist, you can learn to be more optimistic.

If you’re trying to make positive changes in your life, it’s important to set yourself up to succeed:

1. First, set small, attainable goals. Work your way into a new habit with baby steps, and you’ll feel more successful every step of the way, and be less likely to give up.
2. Next, reward your progress; for each small goal you reach, allow yourself to feel pride, and perhaps give yourself a small reward.
3. Don’t forget to enlist social support! Tell the supportive people in your life what you’re attempting to acheive, and tell them of your successes. This will give you added strength, and will make it less appealing to give up (and have to explain yourself to those close to you)!

One more thing...

Heidi just had an accident with the car but thank God no one was hurt! However, there's some damage to her car and the other guy's hub cap is practically destroyed. He's being really nice about it...he's not going to report it as long as we pay for a new one. So I've taken Heidi's keys away because I won't allow her to drive right now and not until she takes a safety class. She's on my insurance policy and we could lose the house if she hurts or kills someone. We've talked to her repeatedly about her careless and sometimes reckless driving and she wouldn't listen nor believe us.

Little T Thursday: Doors

It was very clear when Little T moved back in with us 2 years ago that he was obsessed with doors. It began with the sliding doors of grocery stores and the library and places like Best Buy. He seemed to have a need to watch them open and close repeatedly. His play was totally about sliding two things back and forth as if they were automatic doors. They could be blocks, Lincoln logs, crayons or even two pieces of paper. Gradually we were able to get him involved in more imaginative play but he's always gone back to the door game at least once day.

The fascination with doors evolved to our accordion closet doors as you can see in the video. He loves to play hide and seek but becomes distracted when the doors don't shut perfectly. Then he pitched some things out of my closet before the doors closed well enough to satisfy him.

Other doors presented a more difficult problem. We began working on eliminating the door behavior because it's really interfering with other people as well now. Example: when we'd approach the school, the door had to be shut. If someone else opened the door to go in or come out, he'd stop cold. If the person should try to hold the door open for us in a mannerly way, Little T would become very upset and excited. At first we'd say, "Sorry, he wants to open the door himself". What became a pain is that he'd plant himself in front of others trying to get by and scream if you tried to move him out of the way.

On Monday, as we approached the doors one of the teacher's aides opened it and stood outside holding it so all the parents and kids could get in. She wasn't about to close it and wait while one little kid opened it again. When T realized he wasn't going to get his way, he threw himself on the ground and had a full blown 2 year old type tantrum. That afternoon, everyone began working together on a plan to eliminate that behavior.

T doesn't get to open doors anymore. He totally hates it. He holds someone's hand and the other has to remain "quiet" (down) while an adult opens the door. He goes through the door and if he does it without having a fit, he's praised and rewarded. Now that it's Thursday, he's becoming ornery. He's probably wondering how long he's going to be deprived of opening doors and so he's becoming more defiant and refusing to go through the door without having a big fit first.

The teacher assures us that he'll eventually understand he won't get his way and that will stop. This is where tough love begins, right?