Sunday, October 9

Some days...

...I feel pretty bitter about the way things are going for TB and me. Some days I feel like God's not there or "has better things to do" than bother with the likes of me. Sometimes it feels like he's the CEO of Bank of America. Then there's other days when I do feel God's love or I use these little tricks to cheer myself up or help me cope. These would be things like, "It could be a lot worse", "a lot of people are having hard times too", "count your blessings", or I'll read my favorite poem by Langston Hughes, "Mother to Son."

Some people just seem to be loaded down with more burdens and bad luck, though, and that's us. My mother thinks a curse was set on my family because my dad said he was an atheist. I don't believe that although some days it sure does feel like there's a curse. It's one thing after another and it's relentless, these things that happen to us. As if all that wasn't bad enough, both TB and I lost our spouses. It just goes on and on.

The protest movement against government and big business has been spreading across the country. It really lit up some anger in me because of all the corruption and greed in big business. For them it's only about the bottom line and profit, and it doesn't matter when it hurts the little guy--like when government decided to give business a big break and allow them to outsource jobs starting over 10 years ago.

TB and I have worked hard since we were teenagers. We went above and beyond because we were of a generation that took pride in what we did and doing our best for the boss. We set aside money in annuities for our retirement so we wouldn't have to depend on social security--a program we contributed heavily to for 30 years or more. Both of us got injured on the job working as hard as we did. Let me tell you, you find out real quick that they appreciate the hard, injury causing above and beyond work only while you're doing it. When you can't, there's no appreciation or loyalty. You're thrown out like trash. In the last 4 years, the annuities dwindled away. So much for our retirement.

We see other people go to the dentist and eye doctor with seeming ease. We haven't been able to get our eyes checked since TB became disabled. We can't afford to get new glasses and we don't have insurance for glasses. The same thing is true with dental visits. Medicare doesn't cover it and neither does the secondary insurance we pay hundreds of dollars a month for. Dental insurance itself is prohibitively expensive. I wonder if eye glasses and dental care are excluded from Medicare because so many seniors do need these services?

It makes me mad to hear politicians call Medicare an "entitlement" or a "Ponzi scheme". I paid into that fund my whole working life. It doesn't seem right that TB and I wouldn't be able to get our teeth looked after when we've contributed so much.

And don't get me started on what the kids are going through. Under employed and uninsured, we need them to help us survive because with expenses going up and our income frozen, we don't have enough to make it on our own. The five of us are tied together, no one being able to manage independently. Argh.

Oh well. Today I am just telling myself again, lots of people are having a hard time right now. I got a letter from my mom yesterday. Much of it was guilt inducing or confused crap but she also forwarded this great poem:

It's Fine Today
by Doughlas Malloch (1877-1938)

Sure this world is full of trouble
I ain't said it ain't
Lord, I've had enough and double
Reason for complaint;
Rain and storm have come to fret me,
Skies are often gray,
Thorns and brambles have beset me
On the road--but say,
Ain't it fine today?

What's the use of always weepin,
Makin trouble last?
What's the use of always keepin;
Thinkin of the past?
Each must have tribulation--
Water with his wine;
Life, it ain't no celebration.
Trouble? I've had mine--
But today is fine!

It's today that I am livin,
Not a month ago.
Havin, losin, takin, givin,
As time wills it so.
Yesterday a cloud of sorrow,
Fell across the way.
It may rain again tomorrow;
It may rain--but say,
Ain't it fine today?

I have to say that today is a fine day.

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