Update

I've been absent for nearly a month, for many reasons. One has been a sort of "brain freeze" for writing. There's been a certain blahness and sameness to the day-in day-out stuff and the pains of financial struggles. I do want to get back into blogging more regularly though and thought to start out with an update.

Poor Cubby developed a horrendous infection in his tail. We're not sure how it happened but suspect that Munchkin may have scratched or bitten him. We didn't realize anything was wrong until the infection had progressed so far the vet thought Cubby might lose part of his tail! TB and I had him isolated in the office to keep him away from the rest of the gang. We were applying medication to his tail and giving him oral antibiotics. We had compresses on his tail to help the infection drain. We sat with him a lot to keep him company and so that he wouldn't knock off the compresses or worry his tail. Well, it all paid off because he's healed beautifully and didn't lose his expressive tail!

I was in a great deal of pain one day and ended up going to the emergency room with TB. It turns out I had a kidney infection. I had a cat scan of my kidneys and there might be an adenoma on the left side. I also seem to have a hiatal hernia which isn't really bothering me. Anyway, I'm seeing a kidney specialist about the adenoma later this month.

TB's in more pain than ever because he has this cracked tooth that has exposed the pulp. I persuaded him to go to the doctor for an antibiotic while he waited for a dental appointment. It's true he should have gone to the dentist when it first cracked but, he told me, it didn't hurt and we didn't have the money for the appointment. We don't have dental coverage. Now, though, it's become critical and so we called for the earliest appointment. It's today. Also today, TB's seeing the kidney specialist because he's got a lot of protein in his urine. It could be damage from the diabetes he'd had for so many years ... or maybe he's just taking in too much protein.

I was doing more chauffeuring than usual in the last 2 weeks due to broken down cars and what have you. No one can afford to get a car fixed, including TB and me. Luckily the car trouble Heidi had seemed to be related to a disconnected hose and was easily fixed.

I started working with my therapist on PTSD issues and my writing. I'm hoping this 12 week program helps. So far I'm not noticing a difference.

Here are the two memories that most interfere with my writing:

When I was a little kid--maybe 2nd grade--I wrote this story about a couple of kids, a talking black-eyed Susan and a magic flying carpet. Apparently my teacher submitted it to a local paper and they published it in their Sunday magazine. My teacher told me about it and I went home proudly and told my mom. She didn't believe me and got really angry with me, calling me a liar. No one would publish one of my stories in the paper! I felt confused and ashamed and scared. The next day, the teacher wanted to know what my family thought and I told her they didn't believe me. She gave me the magazine to show my mother. My mom apologized but it was sort of too late. I already doubted whether or not I could really write.

The other memory is from when I was about 12. I would hide my writings in my desk. I came home from school one day to find my mother holding my notebook in her hand, spitting fire and rage in her eyes. I'd been writing about a family with an "evil" stepmother and apparently my mom recognized herself. I didn't think I'd intended to write a story about my mother and actually remember very little about it except denying frantically that the stepmother was my mother. It didn't feel safe to write anymore and that's when most of the freeze started.

Sometimes I have strong bursts of inspiration and I have to write. I had one of these bursts ten years ago, when I wrote some fan fiction. Other times I've had some inspiration but it's but rare and far between. I know I can do it, though, because I took a creative writing class and, under the pressure of a deadline, I was able to produce.

The rest of the time, though, I'm just filled with doubts and self-recrimination.

Well, with this therapy, I'm supposed to read the memories over every day to lessen the impact. I also pick out different incidents, write down what happened, what I tell myself, and what I think as a result of all of it.

I thought about tracking my progress over the remaining weeks of therapy. I guess we'll see if I follow through with it!

Snowy Saturday

I remember the weather forecasters last fall said something to the effect that we would have a *cold* winter but not a snowy one. Huh? In two weeks we've had three events and another one predicted for next week. Granted, the amounts have been nothing like they were last year. That first storm (on December 26) dumped two feet on us. Yesterday's snow brought a couple of inches and today we're expecting another 4-6. I hope that's all because clearing the snow has become a big issue for us!

This morning TB and I took Buddy for a walk as the snow was getting underway. It sure is pretty when it's falling. We went back to where the woods are but didn't go in. We'd have to cross a log bridge to get anyway and that would have been a little risky for us because I'm sure the log would be slippery.

I took this picture of Cubby and Indigo in our bedroom window this morning before we left for our walk. I had the flash on but the picture came out really dark.

It was especially good for me to go on a walk because I've been struggling with depression again. I look at some of the things I need to do and feel overwhelmed. I think about writing something but then can't seem to find my focus. I think stress and worry are getting to me. When I don't get things done, I get mad at myself--the old all or nothing type of thinking I still struggle with. I think I need to exercise and find things to do that will distract me. The internet doesn't hold my attention anymore so it'll have to be something else. Meantime, I'll look for free things for TB and me to do to help keep me busy.

Grace in Small Things #26

Today I picked up Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics again. I've been reading it off and on over the last 3 weeks and that's okay. One of the important things I've been learning is that recovery is a slow process. It doesn't happen over night -- however much I'd like it to.

I'm getting better at recognizing "all or nothing" thinking, feelings and behavior. I might have rushed through this book 20 years ago and it took a lot for me to slow down and digest things more carefully. When I slow down, I can catch the thoughts and feelings easier. Like: I get all this, it makes sense, I should be able to move on now but I can't so what's wrong? *Nothing* is wrong. It's okay for this to take time.

The other day, when I was feeling stressed and trapped about doing an entry I was able to identify the old all or nothing thinking. I had to get it done in a certain way by a certain time or ... what? I'm a failure? No, not hardly!

Today I got a better understanding of "chunking". A few GiSTs ago, I'd mentioned this all or nothing thinking and how it blocked me from writing. I made a goal of writing creatively every day for a half hour. I haven't always met that goal and put a finger on the feeling--see? FAIL again. But *no*. I don't have to be perfect. Some days it's just not gonna happen because "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"--i.e. when you have a goal to write on a story a half hour a day.

So ... I'll rework the writing thing by "chunking" it. That means I'll break it down into steps. It goes like this:

1. Set the goal, which is to write a complete story. Done, yay!
2. Pick a topic. This one will be autobiographical in nature. Done, yay!
3. Make a loose outline.
4. Write memories & anecdotes
5. Put the memories/anecdotes in order so that they fit the outline
6. Flesh it out
7. Go back and read what I've got & edit it
8. Start rewriting
9. Finish rewriting it
10. Give it a title

Once I get up to 10, making sure to pat myself on the back at each step, then I can plan the next series of steps--what do I want to do next with the story? So this "chunking" accomplishes a couple of things. It helps me get to where I want to be and it helps reduce this "all perfect or all wrong" kind of thinking.